Hansen Wendlandt, Pastor, NCPC. When I moved here, just over a year ago, I asked a lot of folks: What are the worst problems facing our community? Some people complained about the summer campers. Others pointed to an absence of affordable housing. But one answer echoed even more loudly: domestic violence.

I’m not sure what the official figures are, but anecdotally Nederland seems to suffer from more domestic violence than other areas. Perhaps part of the cause is the isolation of mountain living. Certainly our higher rate of substance abuse is a factor. And we can guess at other reasons why we seem to face this difficulty so often. However, the simple fact is, that whatever leads to it, however common it is, whatever form it takes—partner against partner, parent against child, physical, emotional, or sexual—domestic violence destroys peace in the lives of everyone involved, and that pain ripples across the neighborhood.

This has been a far more visible issue over the last month, particularly because of the many NFL players recently accused. You also may have heard of Hope Solo, superstar goalie of the US National Women’s Soccer team, accused this summer with assaulting her half-sister and teenaged nephew. As well, some of you surely saw the movie Boyhood, shown at the Backdoor Theatre a few weeks ago. It offered a very stark description, far more realistic than most Hollywood portrayals, of regular people stumbling into, struggling out of, and trying to let go of the weight of domestic violence.

Personally I feel like sort of a magnet for this problem. I’ll spare you the details of my childhood, but in graduate school I found myself mixed up with a number of separate incidents. Once, a woman with a broken jaw rested on my couch, while her furious boyfriend paced outside. I was scared and angry and sad and had no idea what to do.

Another time a pregnant neighbor asked me for a ride, to get away from an argument with her husband before it became physical. Two days later that man actually came to thank me, in a display of humble vulnerability I have rarely seen. A few years later, however, while working at a summer camp, when I refused to send a boy home with his abusive father, that man threatened to kill me.

I think I’ve learned three things from these incidents. First, I remember wanting to hurt that father and break that other man’s jaw. Something deep longed to even the score. Or at least, my better angels wanted me to “save” the boy and women from their problems.

Far too often, we mix up such ideas, of being the hero or the agent of righteous retaliation, with our real calling to offer support and work toward preventing such injustice in the future. Our role is friendship, compassion, and advocacy, not retribution. Hold someone’s hand. Listen to their story. Give them a room for an evening. But please do not accelerate the cycle of violence.

Second, it is so hard to find any room to forgive the abuser. Saint Townes van Zandt once told us of a murder: “Pancho needs your prayers, it’s true, but save a few for Lefty too.” Safety and support for the victim are the clear first steps, but everyone needs healing from these sorts of incidents. In some cases counseling an abuser to be able to apologize with deep sincerity can do wonders for the victim’s healing process.

Finally, it occurs to me that the church does not have a good record on domestic violence. Most churches are just silent about the whole topic. Others have their own baggage to deal with. (Maybe I’m not silent, because I lived in Boston when that clergy scandal broke.) And some Christians try to hide behind Bible verses.

They’ll say “an eye for an eye,” to justify revenge, despite Jesus clarifying so well that we are to challenge and transform evil, not add to it. They’ll say “spare the rod and spoil the child” to justify aggressive discipline, and ignore the fact that Psalm 23 describes God with that same rod, using it to protect and comfort us from fear. They’ll say women should “be subject to your husbands… because the husband is the head of the wife,” to justify all sorts of power, while ignoring the words two verses later: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her….”

Church-going or not, we can all do better.

Unfortunately, many people reading this are all too familiar with such issues. If these words have raised ill memories, I am sorry. However, perhaps together we can find ways to cultivate a more peaceful community, so that fewer of our neighbors will have to face it. Support groups for families in stress? Pairing mentors with recent victims? More education for children? A room and bed for people who feel unsafe? If you have other ideas, or want to know how you might get help, please get in touch with me at 303-258-3579 or ncpcpastor@gmail.com.