WASHINGTON, DC - At a press conference in Washington DC today, Elon Musk, head of the Department Of Unrelenting Chaos and Extortion, also known as DOUCHE, decreed that every US citizen be required to fill out a weekly performance review.

He appeared agitated at the event, dancing around the stage while fist-pumping and brandishing a machete. “Now that DOUCHE has flushed out any non-essential employees in the Federal Government, it is time for all citizens to justify their existence in our great nation by submitting a weekly review of their activities,” said a wide-eyed Musk.

“DOUCHE is going to cleanse this country of inefficiency and waste. Anyone not completing a review, or to be found to be unproductive, will be deported to our re-education colony in Greenland.”

On a recent trip to Yosemite National Park, Musk decided that some of the wildlife “Didn’t seem to be doing anything.” He went on, “They’re not raising young or even posing for pictures with the tourists.”

Musk, wearing a DOUCHE camo t-shirt, then ordered the few remaining Park employees to identify any wildlife that “weren’t pulling their weight.” They need to "either be productive or be culled from the herd.”