Forget everything you thought you knew about Easter traditions. 

This year, in a bold budgetary revolution, we are officially dyeing potatoes instead of eggs. 

That’s right. Potatoes. And not just because they’re cheaper (although, let’s be real—$13 for a dozen eggs at The Market in Nederland is eggs-cruciating). Potatoes are in, and eggs are… well, probably in someone’s cart who owns a Tesla.

Let’s break it down: five pounds of potatoes will set you back about six bucks. Eggs? At $13 a dozen, you'd better guard those things like your mother's fine china. 

Why Potatoes?

Let us count the ways:

1. They’re sturdy. No cracking under pressure. 

2. They last longer. Potatoes can last for weeks, dyed or undyed. 

3. They’re versatile. After Easter, you can mash them, roast them, fry them, stick 'em in a stew, or launch them from your deck to scare off your neighbors (AKA the "tater-pult”).

4. They come in fun shapes. Ever seen a potato shaped like a butt?

How to dye your potatoes without losing your marbles

Here’s your fool-proof, family-approved, egg-flation-resistant guide to spud-sational success:

You’ll Need:

• A bag of light-skinned potatoes (Yukon Golds are ideal…sorry, russets, your reign is over)

• Food coloring 

• Paper towels

• Paintbrushes or Q-tips

Optional: gloves, googly eyes, glitter, existential questions about capitalism… and whether South Korea will supply the US with eggs. How much will that cost to ship?! What is the chicken-to-human ratio in South Korea?

Step-by-step:

1. Clean your potatoes. Scrub those spuds. 

2. Lay out paper towels like you’re prepping for finger painting.

3. Drip and paint. Use food coloring to turn your starchy little friends into Easter masterpieces. 

4. Let dry. A few hours should do the trick or overnight if you’re able to sleep after all this egg-citement. 

5. Add some flair. Personalize with names or tiny hats, or draw little mustaches. An orange-dyed potato with a smug face and yellow hair may elicit some laughs. This is your potato gallery. You make the rules.

FAQ: Because yes, people have questions

Q: Are dyed potatoes edible?

Yes! Just rinse them off or peel them. The dye doesn’t go deep, kind of like your ex’s apologies.

Q: Can I use Kool-Aid or Jell-O to dye them?

No. Potatoes aren’t into that kind of fruity nonsense.

Q: Can I hide dyed potatoes for an Easter hunt?

Absolutely. Just don’t forget where you put them. Unless you like finding a potato in August, rotting from the heat. I like to make a map of where my potatoes are hidden. Fun for the whole family!

Q: What if my child eats one raw?

Congrats. Your child is Irish.

If you plan on dyeing potatoes this year, know you are not alone in needing to egg-conomize! Don't worry, Easter will be SPUDtacular!