Ann Sherman, Nederland.  The youngest ones waddled in. The older children sauntered in like they owned the place. Families burst through the doors of Nederland Elementary School to grab a warm dinner before the presentation began. A few parents of teenagers ventured back to the school where their almost-grown children once played and learned. Families who had just moved to the mountains shared a free meal with families who have been here for generations. Both moms and dads laughed and talked together over soup and salad. Parents of toddlers- to- teenagers gathered as a community to support one another and our mountain children.

On Sept. 18, 2018 Nederland Elementary officially lit up the night by hosting the Mountain Strong Families Series. TEENS, Inc has partnered with NES, NMSHS, and a dozen local counselors to create a supportive monthly gathering for families. The first presentation, Calming the Chaos, was facilitated by Kelly Davis, LPC, a counselor working at both NES and NMSHS. Davis coaches staff about how to build social emotional competencies in their students. This evening, the focus was on helping parents respond to their child’s strong emotional reactions and problematic behavior.

Davis’ Mountain Strong Family mantra was best summed up as (1) Check-in, (2) Reflect and Repeat, and then (3) Redirect. As a first step, parents were encouraged to always pause to check in with their own emotional state before they respond to their child’s misbehavior. “How am I feeling right now? Am I calm enough to handle this well?” Our own calm composure sends invisible messages via mirror neurons in our brains which indirectly help our child calm themselves.

We also learned about the power of Labeling the Feelings behind our child’s behavior – or Reflecting that emotion back to the child instead of just talking about the misbehavior. “You seem really frustrated right now with your brother when he took your book.” Or, “I wonder if it makes you feel lonely when you don’t have someone to play with?” We often start talking about behavior with children and forget to hone in on the underlying emotions and unmet needs of the child.

Counselors keep reminding adults to see that “all behavior is communication.” Parents were encouraged to look for the feelings and needs underneath the problematic behavior being displayed. “What is my child trying to tell me?” Reflecting their emotional state back to them in words teaches children awareness of what they are feeling and helps expand their emotional vocabulary. When adults verbally reflect what they sense the child is feeling, the child is able to begin regulating their emotional reaction. Connecting language to an emotional state utilizes one part of the child’s brain to soothe the emotional part of the brain. This helps the child regulate their intense emotion and be more open to changing their behavior. This all requires a shift in parental thinking from “they are GIVING me a hard time, to “they are HAVING a hard time expressing feelings or getting their basic needs met.”

The second skill that parents practiced was (2) Reflecting, Repeating, or summarizing what their child was saying. “I don’t want to go to bed!” may simply get repeated and stated as-- “You don’t want to go to bed yet.” When your teenager slams his door and walks away, it gets reflected as something like, “It looks like you are really mad and don’t want to talk about this right now?” rather than, “Do not slam that door. I’m talking to you, young man!”

It takes practice for parents to become adept at paraphrasing, summarizing or repeating word for word to convey empathy, instead of taking their child’s reactions personally. All of these techniques help a child feel understood and enables them to begin to lower the intensity of their emotions. This type of parental response helps a child move into the problem- solving portion of their brain to approach the situation. Even if you don’t agree with what they are saying, you are showing that you understand their perspective. You are taking the time to walk in their shoes before finding a solution. Again, this helps younger children and older teens know that you have taken the time to empathize with them. It is critical to connect before we redirect!

After children have begun to regulate their big emotional reactions and have felt understood, it is then easier for parents and children to find solutions through (3) Redirection or problem solving. However, a child is far less likely to follow directives if they don’t feel you have first connected with how they are feeling, perceiving and experiencing the world. Parents are serving as the child’s not-yet-fully- developed prefrontal cortex, soothing their emotions & building neural pathways to rational problem- solving approaches. When parents don’t respond in this way, children may fail to learn how to rationally and creatively solve their problems.

Finally, Davis helped parents think about what (4) Routines and Family Rituals they consciously do with their children/teens. Predictable routines like family dinners 4 times per week or family walks on the weekend, and rituals that add meaning to our lives such as taking time to be grateful, using a talking piece to share an oops, a blah, and a yay from our day are essential for building strong connections between parents and children. Without purposely continuing to build a strong relationship between parent and child, our children will be less inclined to follow our requests or adhere to the boundaries we attempt to draw. Regular routines and family rituals are foundational to calming the child’s amygdala, or emotional center of their brain. They create a sense of consistency and predictability and help children feel secure, loved and to believe that life has meaning.

One parent of an NMSHS student acknowledged that parenting challenges change when kids are older. The issues may change to use of substances, depression and lack of motivation, anxiety or peer pressure. She wished “other parents of middle and high school students would join the Mountain Strong Families group” and talk about how everyone is trying to stay connected with and guide their sons and daughters.

Neuroscientists have determined that the rational and creative problem-solving part of our brains does not fully develop until age 25 or so. If you are experiencing big emotional outbursts or immature, impulsive, or risky behavior by your child, this is perfectly normal, based on our current understanding of how children and teenagers develop. The key is to develop a parenting approach that helps the child grow and develop neural pathways between their emotional, limbic system and the part of their brain that needs to soothe their feelings and solve their problems.

“This was wonderful,” said one young mother, “It was just what I needed.”

Monthly Mountain Strong Family gatherings will occur throughout the year.

Various local counselors will present on topics including stress management, improving communication in families and restoring relationships when there is family conflict.

On Tuesday, November 13, 2018, local therapists Carrie Evans and Kristen Kron, NES school counselor, will teach parents strategies for reducing their child’s anxiety and stress levels, as well as their own. Contact ann@teensinc.org for more info.