Ann Sherman, Nederland. Every month, parents coalesce at the Mountain Strong Families presentation (hosted at Nederland Elementary School) to support one another, understand their children better and know how to respond to challenging behaviors. In October, counselors Kimberly Bryant and Kestrel Hansen Neathawk welcomed parents of toddlers to teenagers with the following words, “We are so proud of you for showing up to talk about raising kind, thoughtful, grounded children. This is not easy work.”

As hard as parenting is, today’s parents have a decided advantage over past generations who wanted to do right by their child. The field of human development and neuroscience has shed new light on why kids act the way they do, and which parenting approach will wire their brains for future success and well-being.  

 So, what have we learned from current research? First, children are more likely to “obey” when they are firmly bonded to us and therefore want to please. Long before they act out, we want to make sure we are connecting deeply with them. A ratio of at least five positive, warm and intimate interactions with our children are needed for every time we reprimand them. If we’ve gotten into the habit of redirecting our children all day long but are forgetting to fill their emotional bank with close, nurturing memories of being with us, discipline becomes a constant power struggle. Think of all the nurturing ways you can connect with your child—no matter what their age is – by telling a funny story from when they were younger, telling them what you appreciate about them, writing in a journal to each other, looking through family photos, giving a six-second hug, or leaving a surprise love note for them to find.  

Neathawk and Bryant also discussed the idea of proactive parenting. Long before misbehavior and blow ups occur, parents must be aware that all humans will inevitably melt down or lash out when they are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Bryant encouraged parents to think about the preemptive routines and practices we can build into each day to avert many of these emotional triggers for our children. Parents bubbled forth with creative and practical ideas to prevent meltdowns— from creating one easily accessible kitchen cabinet for healthy snacks…. to playfully wrestling with their child… from insuring there would be 15 minutes of daily “special time” between them and each of their children… to letting go of some of the “must do” activities like homework. One parent highly recommended reading The Rhythm of Life by Kelly Matthew for inspiration about how to simplify family life.  

When it comes to correcting challenging behavior, parents have traditionally reacted with spankings, time outs and consequences. Recent research in human development challenges all of these past practices. Modern-day caretakers are strongly encouraged to relinquish all forms of punishment from their repertoire. 

The job of parenting is to figure out what kids are trying to communicate with their misbehavior. According to Dr. Dan Siegel of the No-Drama Discipline Workbook, we must chase the “why” behind their disobedience, choices and emotional outbursts. When children are misbehaving, something is wrong. In chasing the why, parents should be asking “What is my child feeling?  What are they needing?  How can I help them regulate their big emotions and learn strong life skills instead of punishing them for not knowing how to act?”  

Siegel focuses on using “time-ins” to empathize with the child while soothing their dysregulated limbic system. Why are “time-ins” so important for teaching social emotional skills? Because if the child could get their needs met by thinking of a better way, they would. But the thinking part of their brain takes up to 25 years to develop. Our job is to help the child integrate their emotional limbic system with the thoughtful problem-solving part of their brain. When children are misbehaving, they are stuck in their “downstairs” reactionary, survival mode brain. In the midst of a tantrum (or meltdown by a teenager), children cannot access their rational brain nor process our wordy responses to them. We must help them regulate before we try to teach and correct the misbehavior.   

Sitting with a child who is defiant, sobbing, or screaming isn’t easy to do. But this is exactly the time they need you the most.  Saying to a child, “I know this is hard.  You’re upset.  I’m here to help you through it,” wires positive neural pathways between their emotional and rational brain and deepens the bond between the parent and child. Punitive reactions have the opposite effect – severing the parent-child relationship and triggering a more defensive response in the brain of the child. 

Discussion may need to happen much later when everyone is calmer. Circling back is always an option. Connecting deeply to what your child is feeling and needing helps regulate their emotions and eventually opens their “upstairs” brain to talking things through.  

The next Mountain Strong Families event will be on Wednesday, November 6, as we learn Communication Tips for a Happier Home. Come discover strategies for how to “turn down the shark music” in your head before you correct your child.  Practice communicating empathy and comfort to your child in the midst of disciplining them.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org for childcare and dinner.

(Originally published in the October 17, 2019, print edition of The Mountain-Ear.)