Jamie Lammers, Boulder. It feels almost strange to be writing for this paper again after over half a year, but it also feels strangely fulfilling since it’s a familiar piece of my past. I recently finished the first semester of my freshman year of college at the University of Colorado, Boulder, and it’s been absolutely surreal. In fact, I would argue everything has been surreal since March 12, 2020, my final physical day of school at Nederland Middle-Senior High. Taking the fourth quarter of my senior year completely at home, meandering through the transition into college trying to make sure I had everything together, and realizing it was time for me to take more responsibility for my independence came slowly and all at once at the same time, much like this entire year.

At CU, I tried to make the best out of the guidelines implemented for the campus. The majority of my classes were held online, but both of the recitations I took (for chemistry and for European history) and even a small choir I joined were held in-person. These were smaller groups of fifteen or fewer that could easily space themselves out, and students could even choose to take the class remotely at any point if they felt uncomfortable. 

Except for these in-person classes, venturing out to get food on my own or to eat with other CU students, grabbing packages and mail, and giving saliva samples for weekly virus testing, I mostly either stayed in my dorm or went home for the weekend. I only stayed over the weekend at CU once, primarily because I needed the weekend at home to complete do-it-at-home chemistry labs that were essentially impossible for me to complete in my dorm room. Even if I wasn’t in a room that shared a bathroom with the next room over, it’s not like I could just lock myself in there for two hours to complete a lab, and my desk had no space for other materials after my computer was moved there. Moving home every weekend was difficult, but at least it allowed me to continue my schoolwork and get immediate support from my family.

As far as I’m concerned, the students and faculty at CU Boulder tried their absolute hardest to make the best out of these guidelines, too. At the end of September, the college was required to issue a stay-at-home order limiting the activity of students to only going outside for basic necessities, and the school shifted to completely online learning. With the patterns that had been established with previous colleges going home soon after quarantine orders were implemented, I was positive that was the beginning of the end for our in-person term. 

However, the quarantine orders were followed really well, and by mid-October, we had shifted back to in-person learning. It felt strange -- getting used to being in-person, then getting used to learning completely online, then going right back to being in-person as if nothing had changed at all. Constant schedule changes, updated information, and new guidelines implemented seemingly overnight drove students (including myself) crazy, but it’s not like colleges as a whole have any control over how other students will decide to conduct themselves, how the virus will spread, or even how their own initial regulations will solve the problem. The CU faculty tried their best with what they learned, and for the most part, students, while annoyed with the constant changes, did their best to work with the changes.

CU had already made the day before Thanksgiving our official day to leave the dorms for the semester, but in-person learning was canceled about a week and a half before then so I ended up coming home early anyway. It felt almost bittersweet coming home for a break after just getting used to living a new life on campus. I feel like I haven’t quite found an appropriate rhythm since March, and it’s made me more anxious as a person in general. Especially over the last five months, I’ve found myself worrying about finding who I am as a person, what I want to do with my life, and my footing as an independent adult. On top of that, the increased awareness and occurrence of racial disparities and polarizing political disputes in our country has made me realize how naive I’ve been about the world at large and how pretty much everyone can take their daily experiences for granted if they don’t know any better.

These past five months, I can’t say I’ve done a lot that’s felt productive for me. I finished my first semester of college, sure, but my internal anxiety has prevented me from feeling like I’ve made a huge impact on my personal life or on others around me. I’ve tried reaching out to people both online and in-person (in both retrospectively healthy and unhealthy ways), but I haven’t made as many strong connections with others I’ve met as I thought I would. Although I really liked my roommate, meeting new people in college has been severely limited by the harsh guidelines. I’ve tried staying close to my old pre-college friends, but more and more, I just end up isolating myself trying to allow myself to figure out how I want to take control of my own life. Even before the pandemic, I hyperfocused on certain people in my life, and now it’s harder not to hyperfocus on certain people, especially in trying to establish and keep relationships while also trying to remain isolated. It would have been difficult to balance my new life, daily routine, and relationships whether or not Covid-19 occurred, but with the guidelines implemented as a result of a global pandemic, the balance difficulty has increased exponentially.

That being said, I’ve absolutely found things to enjoy. I joined an online theater community called Loud Voices Silent Streets, where I’ve been able to participate in original projects and even share some of my own writing and performance work. I’ve found time to play games and talk with my friends whenever I can, which always takes my mind off of things. Finally, yes, I focused on schoolwork to the best of my ability during this crazy time, finding creative writing to be my favorite class by a long shot. Now, with the holidays coming up, I don’t have a lot planned. I’m simply trying to get my motivation and my energy back after finishing finals. While family plans to go to Sanibel Island, Florida, have unfortunately been canceled (again), simply spending time with my parents has always been how I’ve enjoyed the holidays anyway. Opening presents, watching movies, and enjoying the holiday cheer with them has always been how I’ve celebrated my Christmas, so I’ll take solace in the fact that at the very least, Christmas with my family will probably feel a lot closer this year. 

I wish everyone out there happy holidays and a happy new year, and I hope everyone is able to find a way to spend the holidays with family and friends in a safe and fulfilling way.

(Originally published in the December 24, 2020, edition of The Mountain-Ear.)