“I have so much going on in my life, and it’s always like that,” Sharon bemoaned. “My chronic health problems don’t seem to be getting better. In fact, I recently went to the doctor and I’m waiting on the test results. My kids are already in trouble at school, no one in my family helps out, and my friends are sick of me. I just can’t catch a break.”

Joseph walked in soon after with a skip in his step and a smile on his face. “How are you?” I tentatively asked. Joseph had recently been diagnosed with a heart condition, was currently losing his housing, and was coming up on the anniversary of his wife’s death.

“Life is looking up! My new cardiologist is great; she seems to really know her stuff, and is a runner herself. I love learning about new trails she’s explored. On top of that, a buddy of mine has a lead on a new rental in the area!”

It’s always interesting to me how (and what) people choose to share in their stories. Sharon grew up in a home where the only way she got an adult’s attention was to be physically ill. She’s had one chronic illness after another since childhood, and focuses on sharing every detail of her physical experience. For her, no one else’s experiences with illness come even close to competing with hers (and that’s how she feels good about herself).

Joseph was married for 50 years, and raised three children with his beloved Sandy. Sandy grew up in a very abusive home, so Joseph and Sandy decided early on that no matter what happened in their lives, they would focus on the positive. I knew for a fact that Joseph’s heart and housing conditions were very serious, however he intentionally chose to focus on his cardiologist’s running trails, and his buddy’s news.

With Sharon, I began to work (gently) with her on finding her self-esteem in something other than her illnesses. Her first step was finding other conversation topics and working on reconnecting with her friends and family. With a combination of incorporating active listening skills (to bring the focus to others, not herself) and learning how to discuss more general topics, she noticed people began reaching out. Once she had some resources and stability, we began to untangle her emotional relationship with her physical ailments.

For Joseph, it was important for him to see his current challenges from the perspectives of his adult children. He sat down with each of them, shared the concrete facts of the situation, and observed how they responded. As he noticed each of them crying, sharing fears and worries, and beginning to brainstorm solutions, he started to get in touch with his own feelings. We didn’t take away any of his positivity, but worked to add in a more inclusive picture of what he was facing in his life. From this balanced perspective, he was able to make healthy treatment and housing options.

Our initial perspectives are often buried under a lifetime of experiences, patterns and beliefs but with a little exploration, we can determine fruitful changes to shift our lives.

I’d love to hear from you about your own experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.