PEAK TO PEAK - “It’s our family holiday tradition,” Betty exasperatedly explained. “We always go to the ski condo—grandparents, parents, spouses, kids, kids’ friends/partners, and great-grandkids. I can’t BELIEVE my sister isn’t coming this year. She is being so selfish! Our older family members don’t have many years left and she picks NOW to abandon us. I’m seriously considering giving her a piece of my mind.”

By this time Betty’s face was bright red, and she was leaning so far forward I was worried she would fall out of her chair. 

“Abandon you?” I commented. “That’s a pretty strong word to use.”

“Yes, abandon!” shouted Betty. “I am the one who coordinates the condo. I get everyone there. I schedule the food deliveries and organize the gift exchanges. Who do you think makes sure our elder family members are healthy and present? It’s not her, I’ll tell you that!” Betty’s face began to crumple.

I gently asked, “Do you know why your sister isn’t coming this year?”

“Oh, she’s been in therapy,” Betty harrumphed. “She’s decided our childhood was dysfunctional and she doesn’t want her family to be exposed any more to our ‘family dynamics.’ Please, everyone’s family is dysfunctional! That’s America, isn’t it?” 

As Betty was busy minimizing her sister’s feelings I asked, “Do you enjoy holidays at the condo? Do your husband and kids look forward to it?”

“It’s not about that,” Betty condescendingly explained. “It’s family. It’s tradition. It’s what you DO for the holidays.”

“So you hate it?” I intentionally exaggerated my reflection to help Betty identify her true feelings (and answer my original question).

“Of course not! It’s not that bad. It’s only a week out of my life. What’s a week? I can give that.” Betty began to look thoughtful. “I don’t ski, my kids hate sleeping on the floor, and my husband always complains about the endless drunken conversations, but it could be worse.” 

“So you’re jealous of your sister?” I wondered.

“What?! Why would I be jealous? So she gets a peaceful holiday at home with her kids and husband, eating her favorite foods, snowshoeing on her local trails, and attending her neighborhood get-together. Oh…” Betty trailed off. 

Betty has always been the “good girl” in her family, working hard to make sure her family had “normal” holidays. When we grow up in dysfunctional families, often one person takes on the role of trying to make everything appear ok to the outside world, as a way of protecting the family. 

At some point as an adult, it might be time to switch from “holidays could be worse” to, “what would I do if I really got to choose?”

Betty and I took the next couple of sessions to sort through the traditions she’d worked so hard to protect over the years, and name the ones which made sense to keep. It turned out having everyone jammed into a couple of condos on a ski slope often resulted in arguments, excessive drinking, hurt feelings, and boredom. 

Betty facilitated sibling conversations to put together a new plan to suggest for the holidays, and even her sister was willing to participate.  

Maybe this holiday season it’s time to hang up the “but it’s always been this way” plan, and focus on what might be best for you and your family. Change can inspire and motivate us to move forward in our lives! Why not start now?  

I’d love to hear your experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.