It was a cold, snowy night when local families gathered virtually to practice healthy communication skills that exude empathy. Mia Muscatell picked up her family’s dinner at the Teen Center and went home to feed her children and snuggle up in front of her screen. “My whole family loved the meal. I have so much gratitude for all the work put into this Mountain Strong Families program,” she said.

The MSF Parenting Series is grounded in the work of Dr. Dan Siegel, author of The Whole Brain Child. Based on multi-disciplinary research about how children develop strong social emotional competencies, Siegel asserts that children need four things to become whole human beings. They need to be seen and soothed, and they need to feel safe and secure. These four criteria allow children to become self aware, trusting enough to take healthy risks, socially aware of other’s feelings and needs, and able to make compassionate and ethical choices in life.

In the recent session, Developing Your Child’s Empathy and Communication Skills, parents practiced communication techniques that aid a child in truly being seen. These communication techniques also help a child regulate their strong emotions, feel empathy for others, and consider the impact of their words on others.

One of the underutilized communication skills is that of validating the other person’s emotional reaction, thought process, or suffering before we launch into our own perspective. Parents may not like a child’s behavior or the choices they have made, but taking time to see the world through their eyes and normalize the child’s emotional response to it helps the child feel seen by the parent. Validating responses include statements like: “Of course you’re feeling anxious. Speaking before an audience can be nerve-racking for anyone.” Or, “It’s understandable that you would be upset with your brother when he took your game.”

A second communication technique practiced by Mountain Strong parents is captured in the art of empathetic responses. Parents were coached to look underneath a child’s hurtful words and challenging behaviors to acknowledge the feelings and needs driving the behavior. Children are not always able to effectively name and verbalize their emotions. They spew anger or hold in vulnerable emotions. As parents, we can summarize or paraphrase what is going on with the child in hopes of clarifying and gaining even more information from the upset child.

The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t being said.

When parents articulate what a child’s inner world is telling us, we help the child make sense of their experience. An empathetic response also helps the child’s upper brain begin to regulate (or soothe) their emotional reaction. So, attendees practiced this reflective listening format: “It seems like you are feeling ______ because ______.”

Our initial tendency may be to shut down a child’s outburst or dismiss their uncomfortable emotion, but reflective listening and empathizing with the child helps them know it is safe to express themselves. Rather than initially correcting the behavior, a parent who first mirrors back a child’s emotional state and underlying needs ultimately develops the child’s ability to empathize with others. Children learn to be empathetic by experiencing it themselves. We all need to feel understood before we can shift gears and listen to someone else’s perspective.

Finally, Mountain Strong parents practiced how to communicate assertively when they themselves are upset. In an attempt to not blame others for our own emotional reactions to a situation, (i.e.“You make me so mad!”), parents practiced how to speak using “I-messages” instead. We often speak from our amygdala and describe the other person, (i.e.“You’re being rude!”), rather than holding ourselves accountable for and sharing our more vulnerable feelings and needs in that situation. These unhelpful “You-statements” often trigger a cascade of defensive reactions from the recipient and escalate the problem at hand.

In contrast, an I-message format, “I feel ___ when I see/notice/hear ____ because I need ___”, is harder to argue with. It begs attention from the recipient to address the situation, and is more likely to keep them listening to our concerns. I-messages open the door for mutual problem-solving. I-messages are how we all would like to be spoken to, even when we are being asked to change something. They confront the problem but also communicate respect for the other person.

Local parents ended the evening reflecting on how they can speak and listen thoughtfully when interacting with their children, partners, neighbors and coworkers. Modeling assertive communication, rather than passive or aggressive responses, helps children know how to articulate their experiences while simultaneously being respectful to others.

One parent, Chrissy Quinlan, set an intention for herself. “I’m going to practice I-messages and coach my children to do the same when they come to me with a sibling dispute.” If we can reduce the number of personal attacks verbally spewing from our mouths, and seek to really understand each other’s emotions and needs, we will begin to transform our homes, community, and nation.

For more information about healthy communication strategies, go to Nederland Community Library to check out How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber or Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.

Contact ann@teensinc.org to register for the next virtual parenting session on March 1, 2022, Ensuring Your Child’s Confidence and Selfworth.