Matilda knew she was right. She had spoken with her doctors, her women’s group, her best friend, and researched extensively online. She proclaimed the best thing for her health was to take time off work, hire help at home, and focus on herself. “I know with a break I can really start to heal my body; it’s what I need,” Matilda emphatically proclaimed.

“I’m not sure I understand,” I paused. “Just last week you were saying you were excited to almost be to a financially sustainable place, and now you’re talking about decreasing your incoming and adding more expenses? What changed?”

Timothy came into the office irate. “That’s it!” he yelled. “I can’t take it anymore! All I want to do is spend time by myself working on my wood carvings, walking in the woods, and researching my favorite topics. She keeps nagging me to help around the house, spend time with the kids, and go out with our friends. I mean, I don’t care what we eat for dinner. Why don’t we just eat a frozen pizza?”

“So let me get this straight,” I asked. “We’ve been working on meeting your life goals - marriage, kids, a healthy home and a steady job - and now you’re frustrated that it takes time to manage and maintain all of it?”

Matilda had been working extensively during counseling to create a healthy financial life. When she started she was facing extensive credit card debts, tenuous housing, and food insecurity. Matilda started working with a financial planner, debt consolidation advisor, and myself to begin to take small steps towards financial stability. Last session she reported recently visiting her doctor who talked about some changes in diet and exercise to help manage her cholesterol, sugars, and high blood pressure. She’d seemed comfortable with the news and confident in the new habits.

When Timothy started counseling he was a confirmed bachelor, spending most of his time alone in his studio apartment. He shared his deepest desire was to have a family and live a full, healthy life. While we were working on creating positive habits during his bachelorhood, including cleaning out years of accumulated things, beginning to cook and clean on a regular basis, reaching out to family and friends to connect, and starting a new job that offered more financial stability, he met Cathy and her children. Over the next year Timothy found himself falling in love and committing to joining in Cathy’s full, connected life. He shared he’d never been happier or healthier.

So what’s happening here? Both Matilda and Timothy are engaging in self-sabotage, the biggest clue being that their present thoughts and behaviors are at odds with their long-term goals. Often when we’re engaged in self-sabotage, past beliefs or fears are managing our lives, instead of our new, healthy goals. Upon further discussion Matilda shared how her mother had died in her 60s from unmanaged high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Chatting with Timothy revealed that he was struggling with low self-esteem, feeling incompetent in his new responsibilities, and wondering if Cathy and the kids would be better off with someone else.

To begin to address the self-sabotage, both Matilda and Timothy spent some time looking at the facts of their situations. Matilda was a healthy woman who simply needed to make some small lifestyle changes, unlike her mother who struggled with poor health her whole life. Matilda’s doctor was confident that her blood tests would be healthy within a few months.

Timothy and I worked together to identify his low self-esteem flags. When Timothy’s brain hyper-focused on “needing hobby time,” those were the moments when he was feeling like he was failing his new family. He talked with Cathy about this pattern and they agreed that when he noticed it, he would reach out to her as a reality check on how he was doing with his responsibilities (she was always his biggest cheerleader).

Sometimes counseling is about taking the time to gently sort through feelings, other times a more direct approach is needed to cut through challenges with thoughts and behaviors. I hope you take some time this week to look at your own long-term goals, and see if your daily habits are supporting where you’re wanting to go!

I’d love to hear about your experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.