PEAK TO PEAK - “We’re here to work on our communication,” Sue said as she and her husband sat down. “I don’t think we know how to fight.” 

“Know how to fight?” said her husband Eric. “I’m sick of fighting! I want to be able to communicate better so we don’t fight in the first place.”

“Can you two pick a small issue to use as our example here?” I asked. “It can be helpful if I can see your communication styles, and then we can work on improvements.”

“Sure,” said Eric. “She’s always on her phone. Whenever we’re not working, or taking care of the kids, she’s talking to her family and friends. I can never get her attention!” 

“Well, at least I talk to my family! When’s the last time you called your mother? She texts me to see if you’re OK because she never hears from you!” Sue’s voice was rising.

“Sue, you know I’m in individual counseling to work on my relationship with my family. It’s not easy knowing how to communicate with them after such an abusive childhood,” Eric quietly explained.

“And this is what always happens,” Sue turned to me. “We try to talk about ourselves and we end up talking about Eric’s traumatic past.” 

Communication is one of the main reasons people seek out couples counseling. Sometimes it’s early in the relationship to make sure to set healthy habits or not repeat old patterns. 

Other times, it’s before a big step, like moving in together or getting married, a child leaving for college, or an upcoming retirement. And it can be during a difficult time, where conversations circle around staying together or ending the relationship. 

Sue is correct that all couples have disagreements, and the goal is to create healthy communication skills readily available when conversations begin to get heated. Let’s take a minute to go back through Eric and Sue’s example.  

Eric begins by catastrophizing, accusing Sue of “always” being on the phone and “never” able to get her attention. These are key catastrophizing words, and are a clear communication stopper. 

Either the conversation devolves into a defensive debate using examples (“Last Monday I immediately hung up when you asked for my help with the kids!”), or it devolves into a “you’re worse than me” debate (“Well you never listen to me so I have to call someone!”).  

I coached Eric with a re-do: “Eric, do you have a recent, specific example of trying to speak with Sue while she was on the phone and you wished she had responded differently?” 

The emphasis on time (recent) and specifics (a real-life situation) gives the conversation a boundaries context, so we can begin to explore what was really going on in the moment.

Once we sort through and resolve the concrete example, we can expand to other similar situations and ultimately discuss the big picture of general phone habits and what works best for the couple. 

Returning to Sue and Eric’s original conversation, our next point is Sue focusing on one of Eric’s vulnerable spots to hurt him. As Eric’s closest relationship, Sue is very aware of the psychological work he’s been doing to heal his childhood trauma and create a healthy relationship with his mother.

Additionally she’s “kitchen-sinking,” or bringing up other topics: Eric’s support system, his relationship with his family, her relationship with her mother-in-law, and the imbalance of focusing on Eric’s trauma in their communication. In any conversation, it’s important to stick to one topic and save other topics for a different time.  

Now it was Sue’s turn for a re-do! “Sue, can you share with Eric how you felt hearing his perspective on your phone use?” 

Making sure to use “I” statements is important: “I felt sad and embarrassed that you see me that way in our home,” as opposed to disguised “you” statements like “I feel mad that you think I’m always ignoring you,”

Working on healthy communication takes time, effort, and lots of patience. In order to build a strong foundation, it’s critical to slow down and sort through the necessary changes. 

Sometimes it can feel easier to resort to old habits and blame, storm out, yell, or shut down, but the hard work that’s done in the moment will pay off well into the future!

I’d love to hear your experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.