Ann Sherman, Parenting Matters Coordinator at TEENS, Inc.  Raising happy, confident daughters is complicated.  A four week series of workshops for 4th -8th grade daughters will be held in Nederland in January and February by Girls Leadership.  If you and your daughter would like to attend together, sign up by contacting Molly Mills at  molly@girlsleadership.org  or 303-587-9616.

“It’s true that girls are doing great on paper, but when we look at what we call the Internal Resume, we don’t see the same success story,” says Simone Marean, cofounder of Girls Leadership, a national nonprofit serving girls in grades K-12, as well as their families and teachers.  In other words, while girls are doing everything possible to be all that they can, they’re not enjoying it.  The rates of anxiety and depression among teenage girls is disconcerting.  This “wellness gap” is what parents and educators need to focus on, says Marean.

KNOW YOUR IMPACT:  It can be easy to forget that parents, particularly mothers, are a powerful, influence in the lives of their daughters.  Even teenagers, who we assume are easily swayed by peer pressure, say that their mom matters most.  Chances are, as a mom, you are everything to your daughter – including her biggest role model.  Report after report finds the way a mother acts in front of her daughter largely influences the child’s behavior.  “How you treat other people – or talk about them—is a good predictor for how your daughter will too,” says Stacey Radin, Psy. D, coauthor of Brave Girls.

It’s not just what you say, but how you say it.  “Women often speak in questions or begin with a caveat like “I’m not sure this is right, but….” Rachel Thomas, president of LeanIn.org, the organization that created the Ban Bossy campaign with the Girl Scouts to encourage leadership, encourages women to  “speak with conviction and encourage your daughter to do the same.”

The unsaid things moms do matter too, particularly things related to body image since research shows that how a girl feels about her appearance is largely determined by how her mother regards her own body.  One way to teach your daughter to love her body is to get active.  When your daughter sees you go out for a run, or dance in the living room together, or help her scale a rock wall at the playground, the lesson is clear.  Our bodies are to be celebrated in all their shapes and sizes.

Finally, the significance of Dad or a father figure can’t be understated.  Meg Meeker, M.D., author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, says that girls take cues from the men in their lives from the time they are little, and the attention they receive (or not) influences everything from seeking boys’ approval to finding their career path.  “It is powerful when Dad communicates to his child that he loves her.”   Dads should praise their daughter’s character rather than solely compliment their appearance.  One-on-one time with daughters is crucial too.

HELP HER FEEL UNIQUE:  The American Association of University Women found that between elementary and high school, a girl’s self-esteem drops 3.5 times more than a boy’s does.  The antidote?  Encourage your young daughter’s individuality.

PRAISE HER IMPERFECTION:  Researchers have found that it’s the very process of taking risks and messing up that builds confidence, explains Kathy Kay, coauthor of The Confidence Code.  Show your daughter that mistakes are a normal part of life, or try something new together and have fun “messing up” as a family.  When we teach girls to own their mistakes, they learn to accept that it’s a part of their self-definition, but it does not define who they are.

INSTILL SOCIAL CONFIDENCE:  “Conflict is inevitable in a kid’s life,” says Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabees.  Conflict can be an opportunity for positive change if we learn to reframe it.  What are we teaching our daughters about working through conflict situations?

“Because girls frequently show a lot of emotion, we mistakenly believe that they are emotionally intelligent,” says Simone Marean.  “But girls learn very early to take care of other people’s emotions first.  They push down so-called ‘negative’ feelings in themselves like jealousy, anger or insecurity.”  Help them normalize anger by telling your daughter about the things that have upset you.  Look for opportunities to build their emotional language and help them identify what emotions they are really feeling, says Marean.    To give your daughter permission to recognize and express ALL emotions, adults should appropriately share their range of emotions, including their not-so-good feelings, to model language and show girls that it is okay to feel any emotion.   For it is when she can identify how she is really feeling, that she can then ask for what she needs during conflicts and throughout our day.

ONE ACTION PLAN:   Finally, for all the challenges a girl may face, there is nothing more grounding or powerful than a parent’s unconditional love.    Consider attending a four week/one night per week workshop with your daughter to explore all these social and emotional skills with her.  Scholarships are available by contacting ann@teensinc.org    Standard rates range from $195- $260 for the Girls Leadership workshop series.   Accepting reservations until Dec 28th, 2015.  6-8th grade girls will meet at NMSHS on Thursdays in January from 6-8:00pm.   4th and 5th grade girls will meet at Nederland Public Library on Tuesdays in February from 6:00 -7:330pm.