Does your child just ignore your requests when asked to do something? Does your child become defiant when rules are enforced? Mountain Strong Families gathered in April to talk about how to reduce power struggles and create a stable and predictable home environment.

Children feel overwhelmed, tense, and stuck on high alert when there are few boundaries in a home. In households with few clearly communicated rules, children are more likely to misbehave. Everything feels chaotic and out of control. Children feel like they are on their own in an unpredictable world.

On the other hand, children feel defensive and become rebellious when there are strict rules imposed by an inflexible caregiver. When rules are too rigid, and are created without their input, children become defiant in their attempt to gain power in their lives.

In contrast, the Mountain Strong Families Series focuses on a parenting approach that is both firm and kind. The research is clear, children who develop self-discipline, resilience, and emotional intelligence are raised with both limits and empathy.

One way parents can create order at home is by designing routines and family rituals. Repeating any ritual over and over brings stability and meaning to life; they help us feel safe and grounded. Mia Muscatell described how her family gathers in a bedtime circle to process emotions and bring closure to their day. Caroline Bennett and Mario Molina shared how they use gratitude rituals at mealtimes. Predictable family traditions like sweet, daily goodbye rituals, bedtime stories, and seasonal traditions provide stability in a world that can often feel like it is spinning out of control.

Weekday mornings are often the most stressful time of the day for families. Power struggles and screaming matches can precede getting out the door. Mornings are the perfect time to establish a routine and visual schedule to guide children through the steps needed to complete tasks in a timely manner. Audio reminders (i.e. nagging) are a far less effective way to get through the morning rush. Instead, point to the pictured tasks and say, “What’s next on your list?”

Young children thrive when there are consistent routines to follow; teenagers blossom when they can follow a list for completing assignments. Try a dry erase board with activities chunked up and placed in a logical order for completion.

Setting limits and getting compliance at other times can also be challenging. Children typically fail to comply with parent’s requests one-third of the time. However, the way we communicate our limits can either encourage or discourage children from cooperating. Children will listen to us after they feel listened to. The situation typically goes easier when we are kind and empathetic first, and then firm with our boundaries. Even when we are saying “no” to a behavior, we want to say “yes” to acknowledging a child’s emotions.

The following communication tools wire a child’s brain to expect that their needs will be met and their emotions will be validated. If we can meet a child with these phrases, there are few reasons for them not to cooperate with limits. See which combination of these phrases change the power dynamics in your home; entertain wish fulfillment. Empathetically acknowledge how wonderful it would be if they got everything they wanted. “You would love to stay up all night playing. It’s time for bed now, but I remember wishing I could stay up later too.”

Give lead time to transition. Honor that your child is engaged in something they care about before they can shift gears. Give a five minute warning before asking them to respond. “What page are you on? Okay, finish that page and then set the table.”

Use a positive redirect. Turn a “no” into a “yes” when setting a limit by stating what the child can do instead of just what they cannot do. “If you want to play catch, then take the balls outside.” If we only use “Stop!” commands, it fails to teach the child how to behave in positive ways and ignores their needs.

Use “When, Then” statements instead of repeating, threatening or bribing. “When you’ve made your bed, then you can go downstairs and eat your yummy breakfast.” Skip the power struggle all together by calmly stating “I’ll know you’re ready for (movie night) when (the dishwasher is loaded).

Give choices! When you get resistance, offer two or more acceptable choices. “You need to eat a vegetable. Either eat two carrots or a spoonful of peas. It’s your decision.”

Involve your child in problem-solving. Rather than telling what the solution will be, ask “What is your plan for getting your homework done before bedtime?”

Validate resistance from your child. Instead of reacting to a snarky child, consider that they are feeling powerless. Ignore personal attacks and just say “iPad time is over and I can see you are upset about it. Ending screen time is hard for me too.”

Connect with your child, all day every day, no matter what emotion they are expressing. Convey that it is safe to express all emotions in your house. Reassure your child that they will get their needs met even if you can’t fulfill their every wish.

In her book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, Dr. Markham describes how to stop the power struggles and help children want to cooperate. Defiance is not a discipline problem that can be solved with punishments, consequences, or threats. Defiance is a relationship problem. Your child is showing you they desperately need your help with their emotions and they don’t trust that you’re on their side to give them that help. You can change that, with empathy and connection.

Meaningful family Rituals, helpful Routines, and Empathetic Limits can turn a chaotic or a repressive home into a stable place of solace for everyone.

Teens, Inc will offer the next virtual Mountain Strong Families session on May 3 from 6 -7:30 p.m. Learn how to Raise Whole Human Beings who know how to work through conflicts and restore relationships. Contact ann@teensinc.org for more info.