Margaret Freeman, Peak to Peak. The United States Forest Service announced today that their new program whereby Sasquatches are being relocated to the Rocky Mountains is a success.

Due to the recent wildfires in California, along with massive housing growth and development, there simply is not enough room for the local Sasquatches to exist and flourish. Using the recent moose relocation program as a guideline, the same tactics have been used with Sasquatches. The process involved using tranquilizing darts in order to sedate the Sasquatches and then transporting them via Recreation Vehicles to a more suitable, open environment-The Rocky Mountains. These gentle beasts were disoriented at first, but quickly adjusted after being exposed to photographers who do not know how to use the focus setting on their cameras.

Citizens in the Peak to Peak area are advised to not interact with any Sasquatch that may try to come into contact with them. Citizens are also advised to not feed the Sasquatches as that may cause dependence on humans and then can lead to pets being eaten. Citizens are also advised to not allow a fresh pie to cool off by sitting on your window sill.

The USFS has plans for this Spring to place signs in the forest warning campers to secure their food and not allow the Sasquatches to join in with their party. Since the signs are yet to be placed, please verbally warn any campers that you may come in contact with to stay away from and do not feed the Sasquatch.

End Bulletin No. 420-a.1.

(Originally published in the March 28, 2019, print edition of The Mountain-Ear.)