“My son doesn’t want to talk to me. All he cares about is Snapgram or Instachat or whatever. I ask him about his day and he just shrugs, or totally ignores me. I make his favorite foods, ask if he wants to watch an action film and pick him up late at night from his friend’s house, but it doesn’t matter. He acts like I don’t exist.” Natalie looks heartbroken. “Part of me is terrified he’ll never speak to me again, and another part of me is scared that he’s never going to leave our house.”

It’s all on my shoulders,” explains Paul. “I’m the only one taking care of my grandparents; well, now just my grandpa. I don’t get it. I text and email the rest of the family because they should be helping, but they don’t answer, or tell me they’re busy. I quit my job and moved my family closer so we can take care of him. It’s what I have to do. But between the doctors, specialists, and other care professionals, I just can’t keep up. I’m not really sleeping anymore. I’ve gained a bunch of weight and when I went out to walk the dogs the other day, I was winded. I’ve been in excellent health my whole life; I just can’t win!”

“Everyone seems to have money. Friends are going to Mexico and Hawaii, posting pictures of these idyllic beaches and beautiful Airbnb’s. My best friend and her husband always have pictures of themselves looking fabulous, enjoying concerts or hanging out backstage with local musicians. It seems like my cousins all have the beautiful, perfect kiddos winning medals and setting school records, while my kids (whom I love to death) have a hard time not putting their fingers in their noses as I’m trying to get the millionth picture.” Haley sighed. “I’m never the lucky one. It’s just my life.”

Natalie, Paul, and Haley are all struggling with cognitive distortions, a concept from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (the #1 researched psychotherapy theory). Can you identify which ones fit their experiences? (Some overlap!)

• Black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking/ overgeneralization: “never” “always”

• Fortune-telling: predicting the future without any factual basis

• Catastrophizing: fortune-telling plus all-or-nothing thinking; blowing things out of proportion

• Should/must/have to: self-critical language that puts pressure on me

• Labeling/mental filter: a negative belief about myself that I use to filter all information

• Personalization: It’s all about me!

• Magnification (the negative) and minimization (the positive)

• Comparison: everyone else cast in a positive light, me in a negative light

• Disqualifying the positive: it’s luck or fate; it had nothing to do with me

Often we take cognitive distortions and turn them into emotional reasoning where we begin to believe our cognitive distortions are facts, thereby damaging relationships and making decisions that hurt us in the long run. Haley might begin to cut off her friendships because she thinks they have “perfect” lives, Paul could lash out at his family instead of taking the time to come up with a solid communication plan, and Natalie may miss what’s actually happening in her son’s life. Which of these cognitive distortions do you depend on? Self-awareness is the first step to change!

I’d love to hear about your experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.