PEAK TO PEAK — “I am so proud of her for starting her own business,” Brett shared. “I’m her biggest fan! She’s smart, creative, and really understands her industry. I know she’ll be a success!” 

Caroline offered a half smile as her cheeks blushed pink and she looked at the floor. 

“Caroline,” I asked, “what’s happening right now for you? I can’t tell if you’re pleased with Brett’s compliments, or feeling something else.” 

“Brett is always supportive,” Caroline said. “He says the right things and always steps in to help out with the kids and the house. I know I’m very lucky.” 

Although Caroline’s words sounded like she was grateful, her tone and body language indicated something else was going on.

“It sounds like the two of you have figured out a home system that works for your family. Is managing the house, kids, and jobs going well?” I wasn’t yet sure why Brett and Caroline had come in for couples counseling.

“Definitely,” said Brett, and Caroline nodded enthusiastically. 

“My girlfriends complain that they’re always doing extra at home, but we don’t have that issue. Sure, sometimes we run into snags, but we pretty easily work those out.” Caroline continued to look at the floor, as if she was about to cry. 

“Tell me then, what brought you here?” I asked quietly. 

“Our connection,” Caroline softly said. “I feel like Brett and I are miles apart. Sure, we run our life like a well-oiled machine. We respect and love each other. But I miss feeling truly connected with him.” 

“Connection?” I asked, turning to Brett, who looked uncomfortable in his seat.

“Yeah,” said Brett. “I don’t really know who we are anymore, besides excellent life partners and parents. And Caroline’s right. Compared to other people we really don’t have problems. That’s why it took us a while to come in.” 

Later in the afternoon Bobbie sat down and blurted out, “I don’t have any right to complain. I don’t even know why I’m here.” 

“What do you mean?” I asked. I saw Bobbie every few months for a tune-up, and I wasn’t sure what he was referring to. 

“When I first started here I totally needed help. I had lots of unresolved childhood trauma, my relationships were a mess, and my career was going nowhere. But now all those things are better. Compared to the rest of my family, my life is great,” Bobbie explained.

“Do you feel guilty that your life is going better than your other family members?” I asked Bobbie. Since we’d known each other for a while, I could dive right in. 

“Of course not!” Bobbie snapped. “I’m not that much better than them anyway. I just took a different path.”

“Let’s see,” I began. “Your parents are both struggling with severe health problems from their life choices, you have one brother living at home who’s been unemployed for years, and your sister struggles to hold a job and stay in a consistent home with her children.”

“You sound so judgmental,” Bobbie exclaimed. “I’m not any better than them.” 

“Bobbie,” I gently said, “you worked really hard these past few years on your mental and physical health, not to mention starting a new career and working your way up from the bottom. You have also intentionally repaired your relationship with your partner, and cultivated a strong community of healthy friends. None of that was easy. It took time, effort, tears, struggle, and commitment.” 

“Exactly,” said Bobbie. “I’m all better. So why did I even come today?” 

Emma’s parents decided she should come to counseling to “talk about teenage things,” so here she was. “I’m fine,” muttered Emma.

“What’s fine?” I asked, frankly, to buy myself some time. It could be a long session with a surly teen. 

“Everything,” she snapped. “School’s boring, my grades are all fine, friends are whatever, parents are annoying, you know. It’s all fine.” 

“What’s happening with friends?” I asked. 

“I don’t need to be here, but Sophia should. Her parents don’t notice her, her brothers suck, and she hates herself. She needs counseling,” Emma looked me right in the eye.

“Oh, goodness,” I exclaimed, “it sounds like Sophia is really struggling. It can be hard to have a friend who’s going through so much.”

“Literally,” Emma relaxed into her cozy chair and pulled up her stocking feet. “I mean, we all do what we can. We invite her to hang, we pay for her boba when we’re out, and we check to make sure she gets the notes and stuff when she misses class, but seriously. There’s only so much we can do.” 

“Sounds like you and your friends are giving a lot to help Sophia. That’s amazing. But sometimes when we give so much we don’t always have time for ourselves.”

Sophia nodded, “100%. I mean, I’m in high school! There’s stuff I want to do before I’m outta here, you know?”

Toxic minimization or shaming can sometimes be disguised as healthy perspective-taking. This minimization can be couched in phrases like “first world problem,” or “boujee problem.”
Caroline and Brett were right, they were excelling at a healthy daily life management system, while several of their friends were struggling with theirs. However, using what’s going right as a reason to minimize their challenges with emotional and physical intimacy resulted in a delay in reaching out for help. 

And, although it’s never too late to reach out for support, the longer people wait to ask for help, especially couples, the more entrenched the issues become.

For Bobbie, it was time for him to more thoroughly integrate the healing he’d accomplished, honestly see the dysfunction in his family of origin (not as judgment but as fact), and let go of the shame and guilt he felt with his successes. 

For some people, being the “one who got out” or the “one healthy person” in a family can produce something akin to survivor’s guilt. Although traditionally applied to lone survivors in war or violent crime situations, the concept of survivor’s guilt helped clarify the depth of pain in Bobbie’s situation.   

Emma’s parents had a feeling something was going on with her, and they were right. Emma’s big heart and solid friend group encouraged her to be an incredible support for her friend, but because this was the first time she had ever been in a situation like this, she couldn’t see how it was taking too much from her. 

Together we worked through the different layers of her experience. First, her emotional experience wasn’t “less than” because she had a loving family, financial resources, and a healthy home. Second, we sorted through what she wanted to experience in high school and how to begin to incorporate that into her world. Third, we practiced different communication skills to try with Sophia and her friend group to shift the dynamics to a healthier balance for everyone (including bringing in more resources for Sophia).

Do you have an area in your life that you’re minimizing your experience or emotions? As we head into the end of the year, this can be the perfect time to assess our lives and notice where we might need to look a little more closely.

I always appreciate hearing your experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can find past articles at peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.