The meager language we often offer grief belies its universality. We know everyone we love dies, or, as one poet said, “separation is a condition of attachment.” Yet only three days off work…if lucky? Greeting card platitudes?

Grief is always at our door, and doesn’t heed the calendar of our lives. As our days continue to literally get darker, and Holidays and Holy Days can bring into sharper relief our grief, here are some thoughts and resources from your library “family.”

IF YOU GRIEVE

Celebrate with others, alone, or not at all; whatever feels natural for you. There is no ‘right way’ to grieve that requires approval. Accept invitations you want, not from obligation.

Expect to be rocked when you least expect it. Author Joan Didion lost her husband and only child one year later. “Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life.” Don’t apologize or minimize for others.

It’s not sacrilege to grieve death in a season of spiritual celebration. Christian author C.S. Lewis met his beloved late in life, who then died suddenly. He didn’t sugarcoat it. “Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” And “What do people mean … ‘I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?’ Have they never been to a dentist?”

Turn to the comfort of books; they have a very long history of helping us humans heal.

IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE WHO GRIEVES

Worried they’re alone with their thoughts during holidays? Invite, but never persist or ‘guilt’ them if they say no. Whether in crowded Times Square or home in bed, grief is there.

Don’t agonize over saying ‘the wrong thing’ to the point you avoid them. For some, a hug says it all.

At the holiday table, acknowledge the one absent. Include them in a toast or prayer. Share happy memories about them; speaking the person’s name will not depress the bereaved. They often enjoy reliving humorous moments. They’re thinking about them anyway.

Holidays can be opportunities to feel our loss fully without shame and for family and friends to support us the same way. It’s only natural.

Cheryl Strayed honored her mother’s death with an 1100-mile hike. Embracing grief as companion, discovering brave beauty at trail’s end, she summed it up:

“How wild it was, to let it be.”

Below are some suggested reads for adults to help with the pain of loss. The library also has a large collection of social-emotional books for children who are grieving. Stop by or give us a call for some personalized recommendations. We’re also looking to start a book-centered grief group, email us at nederlandlibrary@nedlib.org if you’re interested.

Berry, Wendell, The Peace of Wild Things.

Brehm, John (Editor), The Poetry of Impermanence, Mindfulness and Joy.

Devine, Megan, It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Does Not Understand.

Didion, Joan, The Year of Magical Thinking.

Glazer, Rabbi Mel, And God Created Hope: Finding Your Way Through Grief.

Lewis, C.S., A Grief Observed.

Strayed, Cheryl, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail.

Young, Kevin, The art of losing: poems of grief and healing.