The internet is flooded with myths about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) like: NPD is increasing because of social media and selfies, a person with NPD can change with therapy, all abusers have NPD, people with NPD always cheat, and people with NPD always present as grandiose and self- centered. Let’s clarify this so we don’t have to be part of the problem.

What causes NPD?

According to Dr. Sam Vaknin, who writes about, teaches, and suffers from NPD, narcissistic personality disorder is “bred by bad parenting.” Vaknin states that genetics play a role as well but the extent of genetics is not clear. Narcissistic parents often have narcissistic children, but this isn’t always true. Often NPD parents have children who suffer in other ways like: codependency, depression, eating disorders, addictions and other mutated coping mechanisms that are treatable.

There is no evidence that social media has caused an increase in NPD. This myth likely grew from the fact that social media has caused an increase in narcissistic (self aggrandizing) behavior. Behaviors can be temporary. NPD is permanent.

Can narcissistic personality disorder be treated or cured?

There is no cure for NPD. Experts agree the disorder exists on a continuum or scale, and that some are more afflicted, or afflicted differently than others. The three tests I use for whether or not a person has NPD are; lacking empathy (your suffering is completely separate from and doesn’t affect me), and lacking insight (nothing bad is ever my fault even if the actions are mine alone), and exploitative (if harming others is a means to a good end for me, I don’t have a problem with it).

Treatment requires the client to be invested in the result. A person with NPD may complete substance treatment and remain sober successfully when the consequences of substance abuse are causing them to lose something they feel they are entitled to, like: relationships, family, job, pride, etc. The insight into self that is required for lasting change does not exist in a person diagnosed with NPD. An NPD can engage in marriage counseling, though often not for long, and mirror behaviors associated with change. Basically we will see changes on the surface, but they are not part of the NPD’s hard wiring. As soon as those changes do not serve them anymore, they go back to old behaviors.

Do all abusers have NPD?

Although defending the indefensible appears narcissistic to others, it does not follow that all abusers who defend abusive behaviors have NPD. The qualifier, capable of insight into self, is again required to own responsibility for our own behavior. Not all mental health disorders are NPD but people can become quite self-absorbed when they are in mental or emotional anguish. An untreated mental health condition causes increased suffering, similar to an untreated physical ailment. Treat the condition and the symptoms decrease.

Regarding this question it’s important to know why we want to know. If we have a boundary that abuse is not permitted in our space, then when an abuser is in our space we have a responsibility to ourselves to disengage from the person abusing. We don’t have to wait for a diagnosis to keep ourselves safe. Allowing someone to stay in our lives because they are abusive but don’t have other symptoms of NPD or antisocial personality disorder (sociopaths), puts our own safety in extreme risk and is not recommended without guidance from a counselor or therapist.

Do people with NPD always cheat on partners?

Because narcissistic personality blocks the ability to be emotionally intimate or open with another person, NPD sufferers often see physical intimacy as power. Some NPDs use this power by cheating and causing emotional pain to their partners. Other NPD’s will withhold affection as a way to tap into the same power and cause pain to someone who trusts them. However the power is wielded, what matters is a healthy physical relationship with a person who can’t feel empathy and seeks to exploit others, isn’t likely to end well.

Are people with NPD always grandiose, charming, and self centered?

It would be great if they were that easy to spot. Unfortunately no, they are not all overt in their NPD behaviors. Covert narcissists can present as shy, quiet, great listeners, generous with their time, etc. It’s usually not until we get to know them better that we start to see and experience the same three core behaviors listed earlier; lack of empathy, lack of insight and exploitative.

Covert NPD’s use more manipulative tactics to abuse targets like: sabotage of career or relationships, quietly carried out smear campaigns, abandoning others when they feel they have not been given the attention they deserve and manipulating others by playing the victim card expertly.

The constant emotional draining these narcissists employ can make it even more difficult to see the signs of abuse. Covert narcissism is sneaky and targets often stay in these relationships for years before even suspecting there is a problem.

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