“I hate my life. I can’t go to the waterpark with my kids, we can’t have a family dog, and more often than not I have to cancel fun activities and stay home. This disease controls everything. It’s not fair, and I’m sick of it.” I’d been working with Catalina for awhile, and knew how invasive this illness was in her life.

“Have you been trying some of the anger coping skills we discussed?” I asked.

“Oh my goodness Amy. I’m so sick of them! Stepping outside, yelling into a pillow, chopping kindling, tearing up paper, calling a friend, journaling, drawing…I can only do that stuff so long. I’m just DONE with this disease.”

“I’m at a loss with my son,” John quietly said. “Lately he’s doing this zero to sixty thing where he’s fine, and then he’s just screaming at me. I can’t figure out what’s going on.”

“When did this start?” I asked.

“Just a couple of weeks ago! We’d been having a great summer. He’s had a blast riding ATVs, hanging out with his friends, and helping me with fire mitigation around the house. But then he just flipped on me.”

“What do you do?” I asked.

“Honestly, I just walk away and give him space,” John explains. “He calms himself down by lifting some weights in the garage or sprinting up and down our hill, then he comes and finds me. He just seems so miserable, and I hate getting blindsided by his anger. I need some help.”

“I have a wonderful family,” Missy said flatly. “We get together for all the holidays, and I get tons of phone calls every birthday. It’s always been like that.”

“Hmm,” I mused. “Your words make your experience sound very positive, but your tone and body language say differently.”

“I mean, there are so many people that have real difficulties. I could have grown up with physical abuse, or be estranged from my family,” pointed out Missy.

“All true,” I said. “But why are you crying?”

Handling anger in a healthy way can be complicated and confusing. From theories that say you should use a punching bag, to other theories that say anger is “toxic” and should always be avoided, it can be difficult to find the right solution for you and your family.

Catalina is an expert at using her internal coping skills to acknowledge, express, and let go of her (justified) anger. However, having to live with it year after year was wearing her down. We talked about how it was time for her to put some of that energy into activism, volunteering with a local non-profit to raise money and awareness for her illness. The connection with others passionate about finding a cure gave her a renewed sense of purpose (and less anger).

After some direct conversations with his son, John learned that his son had been bullied at school and he was scared and overwhelmed that it would happen again this fall. John reached out to the school and began working with the administration to put some healthy boundaries in place to support his son. As a result, the angry outbursts lessened in intensity and frequency.

With further sessions, it came to light that Missy had been suppressing anger she’d been feeling towards her aunt, who had acted selfishly and vindictively when Missy’s grandmother died. Missy was able to process what the aunt had done, accept how dysfunctional her aunt was, and put in place wise boundaries to protect herself and her family. For Missy, her anger was a healthy sign that she and her family needed more protection.

When you are noticing anger, take some time and attention to sort through what is really your best strategy. There’s no one-size fits all!

I’d love to hear about your experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303- 258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/ peaktopeakcounselingservices.