“We sat down with my grandma to talk about finances,” Zack explained. “We’ve been living with her for a few years. We don’t pay rent, but we take care of the house and the land, drive her to all her appointments, and coordinate her healthcare. It’s worked really well. We save money for a future down payment, and our support means grandma can stay in her own home longer. But then out of the blue she tells us that my dad thinks we’re taking advantage of her, and we should be paying rent or leave. We were totally blindsided, and didn’t know what to do. She knows we see you, so I told her we’d check in and get back to her.”

Zack’s girlfriend sat next to him, with tears running down her cheeks. “What’s happening for you Sue?” I quietly asked. “I don’t know,” blurted out Sue. “I’m so scared. What will happen to grandma if we leave? We don’t have money to magically spend on rent. And if we work more hours to have more money, we won’t be able to take care of her. Plus, why is Zack’s dad so angry at us? We didn’t do anything wrong!”

“I’m failing math,” Bob whispered. “What do you mean you’re failing?” I asked. “Math is your best subject!”

“I know, “ Bob said, sitting up a little straighter, “but my teacher says I’m not doing it right. I’m supposed to turn in assignments on-line, or something, but she says she doesn’t get them. Or maybe I’m supposed to turn in assignments in class? I’m so confused. But I know my grade is an F. I don’t know what to do.”

“Ok,” I declared. “Let’s talk about what you HAVE done.”

“I’ve asked for help during class. I’ve asked friends for help. I’ve tried to talk to her during her free period. I even went to my old math teacher to see if he had ideas.”

“Wow,” I exclaimed, “that’s a lot of steps!”

“I know,” Bob stated proudly. “Mom and Dad helped me brainstorm. But now they want to step in, but I don’t know. I’m at middle-senior now. I want to take care of my own problems.”

When listening to people share about challenges, an easy go-to is “transparent, healthy communication.” It sounds so simple. Zack, with Sue’s support, needs to call his dad, confront him, and work through his dad’s concerns. Bob should set up a time to meet with his teacher (perhaps with his parents nearby), outline his confusion, and learn the teacher’s processes and procedures.

The uniqueness of both of these situations is the power differential. Zack and Sue don’t have the resources to immediately change the situation, whereas grandma (with Zack’s dad’s help) could figure out some new options. Bob’s teacher is the one who gives Bob a passing or failing grade, and creates the system Bob has to follow. In complicated circumstances with differences in power, it’s important to slow down the process, ask for resources, and take one step at a time.

Zack, Sue and grandma set up a time to talk, in-person (critical!), with Zack’s dad. They came with an attitude of curiosity and learning, not defensive or aggressive. In counseling they put together a list of open-ended questions (for example, “Dad can you talk to us about your concerns?” and “Dad, what do you think is working well with our current situation?”). They chatted with grandma about them beforehand.

After some discussion, Bob decided he would like his parents to step in and partner with him (not take over) to facilitate a meeting with his teacher. In this situation, since the power differential was more extreme, Bob and his parents took an assertive and direct approach with their list of questions and concerns.

Sometimes we’re on the more powerful side of the conversation, in which case we need to have awareness of the impact of our words and actions, and sometimes we’re on the less powerful side, when we need to access our resources and strategize our approach. Where do you need more awareness in your life of power differentials?

I’d love to hear about your experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303- 258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/ peaktopeakcounselingservices.