PEAK TO PEAK - “So there I am, pouring my heart out to my mom. My oldest son had recently been in a car accident, and broke his leg. Our main family car needed $2000 of repairs and our credit cards are maxed out. My youngest daughter’s cat ran away and she’s out looking for him every day after school. Life is tough right now, and I was hoping to get some support from my mom.” Joseph sat looking dejectedly at the floor.

“What happened next?” I asked him. 

“Oh, you know, what always happens. She started on her own problems. Her new husband needs a new hip, her best friend is fighting with her daughter, and the doctor told her to quit smoking. Again.” 

“I get it. She’s old and has issues. But every time I think, maybe this time she’ll listen to me and actually be a mom, like she used to be. Honestly, at this point in my life she feels like a burden.” Joseph’s voice began to rise and he sat straighter in his chair. 

“I am so tired of being everyone’s confidant and support,” shared Rita, later in the afternoon. Seriously, no matter if I’m trying to talk to a friend or family member, all of them act like I’m their therapist. I don’t know how you do your job. It’s so annoying listening to people’s problems all day.” Rita laughed and looked at my expression. 

Rita continued, “I think I’m being a good friend, or a good family member. I ask questions, am curious about the other person’s life, and even remember what is going on that’s important to them. But then, unless I flat out interrupt them, they just keep talking about themselves. Sometimes I feel resentful.”   

Rita has the perfect formula for healthy communication and connection: questions, curiosity, and remembering the important topics. When people are learning social skills in the therapy room, I recommend exactly what she is doing! But sometimes not everyone around us has the same level of social skills that we do. 

Joseph and I began to brainstorm about his communication with his mother. I learned that she had been an attentive and supportive mother for most of his life, until recently. 

His mother’s aging process included significant changes, and we took some time to look at the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (also variation of the Holmes and Rahe stress scale and the Life Change Index Scale), which gives numbers from 0-100 to 43 life changes (regardless of age). The language can be a bit dated depending on your generation, but I find it helpful as a general assessment of stressors. 

Joseph’s mom recently experienced: personal injury or illness (53), marriage (50), change in health of a family member (44), gain of a new family member (39), change in financial state (38), death of a close friend (37), change in living conditions (25), change in residence (20), change in recreations (19), change in social activities (19), change in sleeping habits (16), change in number of family get-togethers (15), change in eating habits (15), and vacation (13).  

A total score of 300 or more suggests a high level of stress, and the chances of developing a stress-related disorder are about 80%. Joseph’s mother was at 403. 

The reality is, Joseph’s mother does not have the capability of being emotionally supportive of Joseph right now. Like Rita, Joseph has the social skills to support his mother (and had been!), however she does not have the bandwidth to support him. 

Similarly Rita began to accept that, although she loved her current friends, they were not people she could talk to about her life. 

Joseph made a list of people who were supportive of him, and intentionally began connecting with them for healthy give-and-take conversations. 

Rita decided it was time to make some new friends, and she began attending local community events to meet some like-minded people. 

Both clients set firmer boundaries with their respective people, which included seeing them less often and for shorter periods of time, in order to create quality experiences without resentment.   

I always appreciate hearing your perspectives at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.