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Diversions: Point – Counterpoint

MARK COHEN
Posted 4/12/24

I Was Wrong and I Apologize

In 1985, while attending Squadron Officer’s School in Montgomery, Alabama, I took my girlfriend to see Pale Rider. I was twenty-seven.

Three young men sat

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Diversions: Point – Counterpoint

Posted

I Was Wrong and I Apologize

In 1985, while attending Squadron Officer’s School in Montgomery, Alabama, I took my girlfriend to see Pale Rider. I was twenty-seven.

Three young men sat directly in front of us. Prior to the start of the movie, they were talking loudly, but we believed they would quiet down when the movie began. We were wrong.

These three “Utes,” as Joe Pesci would have called them, would not shut up.

They were not whispering, but continued to talk loudly even after the movie started.

This went on for quite a while, at least twenty minutes, with many patrons asking them to quiet down throughout that time.

At some point, it became clear that the three misguided young men intended to keep talking throughout the movie. They seemed to enjoy getting a rise out of annoying everyone else.

And, of all the moviegoers, I was in the best position to take action. My initial thought was to use my right palm to smack all three across their heads, like Moe from the Three Stooges. But, as a young officer I was an ambassador of the Air Force (and an honorary Lt. Colonel in the Alabama State Militia, with a commission signed by George Wallace).’

So, instead I went to the snack bar, purchased a 32-ounce Diet Coke, returned to my seat, and slowly poured the Diet Coke over their three heads while simultaneously exclaiming, “Gee fellas, I’m really short, I’m such a klutz.” This had the desired effect.

One of them went to get a manager, but when the manager arrived, a man seated behind me confirmed that the three young men had been noisy and that my depositing 32 ounces of Diet Coke on top of them had been an accident.

When the movie ended, I received an ovation from the other moviegoers.

But I realize now that my actions were immature, that I lost my temper, and I apologize.

Those Guys Were Jerks and Got What They Deserved

Those three young men were jerks. They got what they deserved. Because of my creative approach to behavior modification, they will never again bother anyone else in a movie theater.