PEAK TO PEAK — “I would do anything to spend more time with my son and his family, but they’re just so busy. I text and call but they never seem to have time. I’m so frustrated!” Jim’s voice began to rise and he leaned forward in his chair.

“What age are your grandkids?” I asked Jim. 

“They’re teenagers. When they were littles my son and his husband had a standing date night on Friday night, and I’d curl up with the kiddos for pizza and movie night. We did that for years!” Jim explained. “But then they got busier, and I started seeing them all less and less.” 

Once grandchildren turn 10, the connection to their grandparents often changes, Parents publication reports. As they head into the teenage years, their attention shifts from family to peers, school, and hobbies.

“What are your grandkids interested in?” I wondered out loud. 

“I think sports? Maybe skiing? I can’t keep up with it all,” Jim looked mournfully out the sliding door at the icy creek. 

Valerie sighed heavily, “I love my grandkids, but I just can’t be their weekly caregiver anymore. Physically I’m not as strong as I used to be, and emotionally I just get worn out.”

“Tell me about why you started watching your grandkids for your daughter and her family,” I suggested. 

“After my husband died my daughter and I sat down and looked at my finances. Although we were frugal over the years, I realized I didn’t have much to live on. My daughter suggested I move in with them in exchange for watching the kids. It’s been a wonderful arrangement, but they just had their third child and I’m overwhelmed.” 

53% of younger Baby Boomers (those turning 65 between 2024-2030) have less than $250,000 in retirement assets, according to CBS News. Men ($268,745) have more saved than women ($185,086), and college graduates ($591,158) have more saved than high school graduates ($75,300). Many of these “peak Boomers” will be dependent on Social Security as their primary source of income, which is designed to cover only 40%. 

For Jim, it was time to find some humility and sit down with his son. He arranged an in-person conversation around his son’s schedule. 

Jim focused first on his feelings (sadness, uncertainty, loneliness), second on his role (when changes started happening he emotionally withdrew and waited for his son to address the situation), and third on asking if his son was willing to share any feelings and thoughts with him.

Once they had each heard each other, Jim brought up some concrete ideas we’d discussed, such as Jim beginning to regularly attend his grandchildren’s sporting events and (on his son’s invitation) come over for dinner once a week to get to know everyone as teenagers.

Soon the family had re-instated pizza night but, instead of cuddling on the couch or watching a movie, Jim was getting pizza flavors texted each week so that not only his grandkids but also their team-member friends could get their favorite combinations. 

Valerie also had to take a deep breath and be vulnerable with her daughter. At their weekly family check-in, Valerie explained that the number of hours she was babysitting per week had become challenging. 

She shared she was nervous because both her daughter and son-in-law worked full-time, and counted on her childcare. Valerie made sure to articulate all of the positives of caring for her grandchildren, as well as why she was asking for a change (physical and emotional health). 

It turned out her son-in-law was thinking of moving to a different role in his company which would allow for more time at home. 

As the three of them brainstormed together they were able to decrease Valerie’s childcare hours during the week, add a date night once a month for her daughter and son-in-law, and shift around cooking responsibilities (her daughter was feeling stressed about all the food prep during the week). 

What Jane Fonda calls the “third act” brings its own unique set of challenges. Whether it’s financial, family dynamics, or physical or emotional health, it’s important to take the time to intentionally explore your resources and take steps to resolve the issues. 

Especially in your third act, you want to have a life full of meaningful connection and less stress!

I always appreciate hearing your experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.