Parents learning together: The Mountain Strong Families series gives parents insight to their children’s emotions. PHOTO BY BETSY EPP[/caption]

On a crisp October evening, local parents gathered at Nederland Elementary School for a home-cooked dinner in our tranquil mountain community. They came together for the enlightening (and validating) Mountain Strong Families parenting series, graciously sponsored by TEENS, Inc. This session explored the enigma of “Why Children Behave the Way They Do.” It entailed an exploration beneath the surface of our children’s visible actions. The domains of child development and neuroscience unveiled captivating insights into the mysteries of their behavior.

For parents living in our remote mountain haven and worldwide, understanding the typical growth and development is supremely important. Failing to do so may perpetually aggravate us with unmet behavioral expectations, making childhood feel more like an arduous journey than a nurturing experience. This group delved deep into the intricate workings of the human brain and the development of social-emotional skills.

Behaviors we perceive as challenging and the intense emotions our children experience are not deliberate choices but windows into their developing brains’ innate functionality. With only 25% of their brains functioning at birth, it’s as if they are flying a plane while blindfolded. Even as they grow older and develop deeper thinking and social-emotional skills, these resources may remain elusive when tired, hungry, or overwhelmed.

Our initial response to situations is typically emotional and impulsive; our brains process emotions 200 to 500 times faster than rational thoughts. Meaning our immediate reactions are rarely our best responses. Strong emotions trigger swift chemical reactions, often leading to outbursts, withdrawal, or a flight from the situation. True harmony arises when our upper and lower brains fully integrate, allowing us to express emotions with a blend of reason and empathy.

Surprisingly, our thinking brain develops when caregivers guide us in slowing down and acknowledging our emotions. This bridge permits our rational upper brain to catch up with our feelings, responding with wisdom and compassion. Understanding that challenging behavior often stems from our innate survival instincts (fight, flight, freeze) highlights the need to engage with a child’s brain. How we respond to children’s inability to regulate themselves profoundly influences their brain development and maturation of their social-emotional skills.

Parents attending Mountain Strong Families dove into the brain science behind why it’s entirely normal for children to utter hurtful words, be irresponsible, or act disrespectfully. These behaviors will evolve as their skills develop. Their journey towards this growth flourishes when we are attuned to their emotional states. Our responsibility is to refrain from emotionally reacting and instead consider their brains are grappling with adversity. In doing so, we guide them through their distress and towards a regulated brain.

During the October session, parents honed their skills in addressing the brain’s primal need for safety and emotional connection to reshape their child’s behavior. The three-step approach emerged as the key: speaking to the brain stem with a calm tone, gentle touch, and physically positioning themselves at the child’s level to convey security through actions; addressing the limbic system by validating and empathizing with the child’s emotions; and only after the brains have stabilized, engaging with their upper prefrontal cortex to devise solutions together. It became evident that in states of emotional turmoil, humans cannot think, learn, listen, or make better choices.

Ultimately, it was clear that parents and caregivers should always strive to connect with a child before correcting their behavior. Participants voiced their enthusiasm for the practical techniques they gained to use with their children immediately.

One father, who had never considered the importance of conveying safety to his children to guide them out of fight-or-flight mode, shared how he looked forward to trying this three-step approach next time one of his children had an emotional outburst. Another returning parent reflected on their daughter’s journey from numerous daily meltdowns to a newfound equilibrium. She emphasized the value of being fully present and connecting with her child’s inner world of emotions.

Are you curious about a supportive community of parents who share their trials and triumphs? Join us for the next Mountain Strong Families session, “Nurturing Ourselves on the Parenting Journey,” on Tuesday, November 7, at Nederland Elementary School at 5:15 p.m.

To register for FREE dinner, childcare, and the upcoming class, please contact betsy@teensinc.org. We look forward to welcoming you!