“In my world, there are no bad kids, just young people wrestling with emotions and impulses, trying to communicate their feelings and needs in the only way they know how.” ~ Janet Lansbury

As parents, we are often caught off guard when our child has intense emotional reactions, digs in their heels, or shuts down and won’t talk to us. We observe their surface behavior but can’t figure out what is going on in their heads. Neuroscience has allowed us to see why children primarily reside in the world of emotions and impulsive reactions.

For starters, our brains process emotions 200 -500 times faster than they process rational thought. A human’s first reaction to everything is pure emotion (even when they know better). It takes years for the regulatory part of our brain to develop. Recent research indicates it can take up to 27 years for a child’s brain to fully develop the ability to manage their emotions, solve problems creatively, communicate effectively, consider others needs, focus attention, rationally consider choices and consequences, act responsibly, think critically, or get organized. On the other hand, the portion of a child’s brain that is emotionally reactive and impulsive is already fully formed at birth and ready to go!

If we want children to develop the ability to thoughtfully think through a situation before reacting to it, the necessary neural pathways between their emotional and rational brain must be created. This occurs when adults respond to “missed behavior” by co-regulating with the child and explicitly coaching them in skill development. Reacting with punitive consequences to challenging behavior has not been shown to develop emotional management or higher order thinking skills in children.

When children are acting out, adults will want to ask themselves curious questions to uncover the “why” behind the externalized behavior. Challenging behavior is the brain’s way of communicating one of the following things:

• The child feels disconnected from important relationships.

• The brain is emotionally dysregulated (the fight/flight/ freeze stress reaction is occurring).

• The child has unmet needs that trigger big emotions.

• The child has not yet learned the skills to effectively reach their goals.

• The child is in distress and needs our help. Each of these reasons provide clues about how to shift the behavior by attuning to the inner workings of the child.

Instead of engaging in a power struggle (going amygdala to amygdala) to get the child to behave differently, parents can learn to speak in the language of the three sections of the brain that lead to social emotional development. First and foremost, respond to the stress reaction occurring in their brain stem. Utilize a calm tone of voice, a lower volume, reassuring statements, and getting down at their level. By creating a sense of safety, the child’s brain will begin to regulate the intensity of their emotion. Towering over a child or yelling at them keeps their brain stem in the defensive mode.

Secondly, speak to the amygdala in their limbic system. This is where their emotions are being created. Show empathy for whatever the child is feeling. For example, when your child screams “I hate you!” and throws something across the room, don’t immediately focus on this external behavior. Respond by conveying that you have put yourself in their shoes, “It makes sense that you’re feeling disappointed because you can’t get together with your friend today. You really wish that could happen. I understand how frustrated that makes you feel.” Naming and validating a child’s underlying emotions serves to integrate their limbic system with the thinking part of their brain.

If helpful, practice some calming techniques together – deep breathing, drawing, journaling, sensory activities, taking a walk – to further integrate the child’s nervous system. When children are emotional, their thinking brain is turned off. Work through their emotions before talking about a better way to get their needs met.

Lastly, when the child seems more emotionally regulated, engage with their upstairs thinking brain (prefrontal cortex). Discuss the situation. Enlist their ideas for addressing the problem. We can only access creative solutions and learn new skills when our thinking brain is integrated with our emotions.

Because of how brains develop, we should expect our children to display big, dysregulated emotions, constantly need to reconnect with us, not know how to effectively communicate their needs, nor have the skills to behave better than they are. Children do well when they can. When parents have unrealistic expectations for their children and teens, they often feel frustrated with their child. And for the child, childhood becomes a stressful experience instead of a nurturing one.

If you would like to learn more about a Nurturing Parenting approach to “Raising Whole Human Beings”, join the Mountain Strong Families Facebook Group. TEENS, Inc also offers monthly virtual parenting classes.

For more info, contact ann@teensinc.org. Next session November 9th: Nurturing Ourselves on the Parenting Journey.