One child’s eyes danced with enthusiasm for life; another’s looked downward as they quietly used self-deprecating terms to comment on how ugly and stupid they are. What makes the difference in a child’s life as to whether or not they believe they are a person of worth? What causes some children to grow into adults who carry deep shame within themselves? A shame that oozes into their relationships and daily reactions.

The Mountain Strong Families parenting series, sponsored by TEENS, Inc, tackled this topic with local parents at Nederland Elementary School. Parents reflected on the labels they were given as children. Years have gone by, but comments from caregivers, family members, and peers are still fresh in the minds of the 30- and 40-something year old parents.

“You’re stubborn, weird, emotional, argumentative, mean, selfish, rude, a know-it-all, lazy, naughty, difficult, a jerk.” Other labels given to them as children described positive but sometimes narrow definitions of who they were expected to be: smart, gifted, hardworking, athletic, my golden child. They were often defined by their achievements instead of their inner gold. Our childhood experiences with our family are the most influential in determining our self worth.

Even as adults, many of us need to nourish ourselves with regular self affirmations. I am strong. I am enough. I am a good parent. Rather than waiting for external recognition that may never come, we can consciously build our sense of self worth by interrupting and countering any patterns of negative thinking. Reminding ourselves of our worth changes how we feel.

Our self worth is the value we give to a complete picture of ourselves - our thoughts, culture, capabilities, body image, personality, and more. Self worth is the fuel that drives our spirit to impact the world in positive ways. Parents who have high self worth are better able to support the development of their child’s self worth.

The Mountain Strong Families Series covered concrete ways we can develop self worth in our children. Do we harbor realistic expectations for our children, or do they feel like failures because they can’t live up to our excessively high expectations for athleticism, academic performance, social emotional skills, etc? Does our face light up with delight when our children walk into the room, or do we just notice and comment on their unkempt appearance? When we praise them for their accomplishments, do we honor the process and effort they put in, or do we only throw sunshine on them when they get A’s or score a goal? If that is the case, we may be raising perfectionists who never feel good enough unless they reach the pinnacle every single time.

Mountain Strong parents learned to give specific praise instead of saying a vague “Good Job!” We were encouraged to praise children for having a positive impact on others, i.e “Wow, look how happy your brother is to have a turn with your toy.” We thought about how to develop pride within a child instead of telling them we are proud of them. “I bet you are proud of yourself for getting all that homework done.”

While praising a child for what they did well is important, the highest form of praise is appreciation for who they are, not what they have done, i.e. “You are one of my favorite people in the whole wide world.” Just mouthing the words “I love you” doesn’t guarantee that a child will develop self worth. The child has to feel loved, accepted and cherished for exactly who they are.

Research indicates that children who are regularly praised not only feel good about themselves, but they take good care of themselves and expect others to treat them well. The friends and future partners our children choose to surround themselves with are determined by the value they place on themselves. Praise doesn’t make children cocky and conceited. It actually helps children pay it forward and celebrate others too.

In order to genuinely praise and affirm our children, we may need to change our thinking about their behaviors. Their actions that annoy us may also indicate their inner strengths if we reframe what is going on. Do you think of your child as hyper, bossy, fearful, picky or unfocused? Can you rethink those labels and see the possibilities that lie ahead for your child? Will your bossy daughter use her spirit to run a Fortune 500 company some day? Will your spacey son eventually use his imagination to write Oscar-winning movies? Within those strong personality traits lie a golden future if we can affirm the gold in each child along the way. The way we talk and think about our children will be their inner voice for the rest of their lives.

Learn more Nurturing Parenting tools at the next Mountain Strong Families event on Tuesday, April 6, at Nederland Elementary School. Register for a free family dinner and childcare by contacting ann@teensinc.org.