In October, Mountain Strong Families discussed brain development and the typical way that a child’s emotions become dysregulated until the neural pathways form to their upper brain. Parents practiced a 3-step approach for assisting a child who is upset, defiant, or withdrawn. They learned to “speak to a child’s brain” by first conveying safety, then empathizing and validating the child’s emotions and perspective, and finally (after the child has calmed) discussing ideas together to address their underlying needs.

Attendees utilized this strategy during the past month and realized an almost immediate effect: “I found I was better regulated and so was my daughter,” said a mother with an infant. “Tantrums were much shorter, and this approach helped me keep my temper under control,” another parent admitted. One mother of three gleefully discovered that “stressful situations diffuse more quickly” when she consciously utilized a developmentally-informed response.

“I love having a parenting community,” exclaimed one dad who joins the Mountain Strong Families Series (hosted by TEENS, Inc.) each month. Few parents have had the opportunity to participate in a parenting education program. Most of us are just doing the best we can, following in the footsteps of our own parent’s approach, and often feeling isolated and exhausted most of the time.

The Mountain Strong Families Series draws from the latest findings in the field of neurobiology and child development, as well as the vast field of social psychology, to offer concrete tools for raising whole human beings. “I wish every community had this kind of supportive program,” said one mom.

One of the main tenets of this parenting approach recognizes that the caregiver’s level of self-awareness, ability to manage stress, and intentional self-care lie at the heart of whether they can consistently be a nurturing parent. In November, Mountain Strong Families gathered to nurture and re-parent themselves as a prerequisite for nurturing their offspring.

The group initially attempted to make sense of their own childhood experiences; the highs and lows, the heroes and villains that they encountered as a child. We reflected on the vulnerable feelings that we still haven’t fully processed; the old wounds that may crop up and trigger us when parenting. Diana Underhill, from Tadasana Yoga Studio, led us through a body scan and muscle relaxation exercise to release the tension and emotions that often get wedged in our bodies.

Facilitator Susan Aronson taught parents an anger management technique to utilize when we begin to get upset with our children and want to yell. Based on Dr. Laura Markham’s book, “Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids” attendees practiced the Stop, Drop, Breathe technique. As soon as we feel triggered by our child’s behavior, we were coached to “Stop” talking or urgently acting, to “Drop” our agenda, and to slow our “Breathing” so our nervous system begins to regulate itself. When we feel like raising our hand or voice to our child, instead we will raise our hand and place it on our heart. Stop, Drop, Breathe.

Next, we “reframed our thinking” about ourselves, our child, and the situation by telling ourselves a new story. Parents selected personal mantras to say: “My child isn’t giving me a hard time, my child is having a hard time,” or “I can handle this,” or “This isn’t an emergency.” Personal mantras repeated over and over help us end our urge to fight.

After repeating our chosen mantra and continuing to slow our breathing, we then addressed the excess energy that floods our system when we are angry. We brainstormed ways to physically release our adrenaline, cortisol-infused state without scaring our children. Suggestions emerged: walking out of the room for a few minutes, getting a cold drink of water, doing ten jumping jacks, or shaking it off by dancing. All these actions release the pent-up energy that is pushing us to yell, spank, grab or pull our child.

“I’m eager to try out these three steps,” said one enthusiastic parent. “It’s helpful to have an actual plan to follow.” If we intentionally use this strategy for 12 weeks, we can rewire our brains and alter our default reaction of yelling at our children, says Markham. Children who are frequently yelled at may learn to obey out of fear, but their brains don’t necessarily develop the social emotional skills, nor form the ability to address problems in a thoughtful way. An adult’s ability to regulate themselves will determine if their child also develops the ability to do so.

Parents then reflected on their ongoing stress levels and how well their needs are being met along the six dimensions of wellness: social, physical, intellectual, creative, emotional, and spiritual. We were asked to consider what we are craving, what would help us feel nurtured and whole? How could we plan to get our needs met so that we can be more emotionally generous with our families?

“We haven’t been able to find anyone to provide childcare for us in 12 years,” one couple shared. “I’m always exhausted,” echoed another. Parents crave a walk alone in the woods, to curl up with a book, a long bath, a night out with friends, or a chance to be alone as a couple. The highlight of one parent’s day was when her neighbor invited her child to garden with them for a few minutes.

Brené Brown claims “we are the most in debt, overweight, addicted, and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.” Instead of nurturing ourselves in healthy ways, many of us find we are escaping the demands of life by mindlessly scrolling on our screens or numbing ourselves with substances. Each parent was asked to deliberately set an intention for daily self-care; to fill out a calendar and plan to restructure their lives in order to get their wellness needs met. Because in the end, the more nurtured adults feel, the more nurturing we will be with our children.

Contact ann@teensinc.org for information about the next Mountain Strong Families session, “Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children” on Tuesday, December 7th.