[Editor’s Note: The Mountain-Ear has traditionally declined to pay celebrities for interviews. In this instance, the policy was waived.]

This year’s winner of The Mountain- Ear’s Pet of the Year contest is Smokey Bear. He’s not the first non-canine to win the honor, but in this dog-centric part of the world he is one of a proud few, a trail-blazer nonetheless.

Smokey Bear’s early years were in an orphanage in Longmont. When he was about a year and a half he moved into the home of his first personal assistant, Dan Smith. “Dan was good at his job, my meals were on time, my box was cleaned daily. I treated him like a member of my family and let him watch WWII documentaries with me. He drove a plow truck for Boulder County, so I was proud of him.”

Dan served Smokey Bear well for over seven years. In July 2020, though, he unexpectedly died. “I loved the guy, he kept me well fed. It was hard. I know these things happen, but I never realized he was on his very last life.”

Dan had taught his daughter Victoria to function as a backup assistant, so she took his place. There was a learning curve, and Smokey Bear had to finetune her training. He had his methods, sometimes using love bites, sometimes I’m-done bites. There are still times he has to get her back on track. “I’m nine years old, I shouldn’t have to prod her. But I do. Usually a couple of meows is enough, but I have been known to paw at her feet, and I won’t hesitate to extend a claw.”

Victoria and Smokey Bear live in Rollinsville, with an affable young man she calls Emmit. “I’m not sure of his purpose, but I think he’s her pet. He’s subservient enough and does what he’s told; she occasionally pets him. But the boy takes liberties. I don’t want to say any more, it’s disturbing.”

Smokey Bear enjoys his days indoors. He sits at the window, in his hammock, or on Victoria’s lap. They snack and watch James Bond movies together. “She’s a great snuggler, and I like to have her sing to me.”

Nighttime can be more trying. Victoria and the boy don’t understand the concept of early to bed, early to rise. “Ten p.m. is bedtime, dammit, and they should know that by now! I have to follow them around, meow at them, sit on them, all to get them to go to bed. Then when it’s well past three a.m., they don’t seem to want to get up. Most mornings I have to vomit just to get them out of bed.”

Smokey Bear is a pious man, a Fanian. It’s a lesser-known group involved in the worship of the ceiling fan. If the fan is spinning, God is pleased. If the fan stops spinning, God is dead and Smokey Bear runs and hides. It’s the boy’s job to make sure the fan is always spinning in Smokey Bear’s house.

“We Fanians don’t consider ourselves special, or chosen, or superior to others. Except for dogs, obviously. But I’ve had humans mock my faith and blaspheme my god. Really? Think about it: Virgin birth? Prosperity gospel? Paula White? And my religion is the crazy one?”

Nedbits about Smokey Bear:

Favorite Mountain Place: “Just outside my window. I usually spend the whole day watching the birds and the other critters out there. I’m also a big fan of the feed store in Nederland.”

Favorite Celebrity: “The white Persian in the Bond movies, possibly a distant cousin.”

Favorite Mountain People: “My Auntie Erin, Victoria’s friend Kate. The boy’s parents, Mary and Scully, Scully gets me. I would not be in the shape I’m in without the help of my personal physician, Doctor Mike.”

Least Favorite People: “Hands down it’s the vacuum cleaner, I hate that guy! So loud, and all over the place. I’ve seen him eat a few of my toys! Just the sight of him puts me on edge and I start hissing.”

Smokey Bear hopes for a better world. A world in which the mice are respectful, the Temptations treats are plenty, and the spiders are few. And kittens, far and wide, can learn about Smokey Bear, and realize that some day they, too, can become Pet of the Year. And dogs, well . . . there are just too many dogs. Somebody ought to do something about that.

[BELLA LORENA: Tu sei il mio animale domestico dell’anno. Ogni anno!]