I’m awake
in the middle
of the night
I stare up at the dark
trying not to move
trying not to wake
my lover beside me
I cannot fall back to sleep
and so I begin to go over my life
there is so much I’m worried about
work and writing and the world
how to love and live well
how to balance dreams of art
and ease and fun and joy
and sleeping in past 6 a.m.
with the reality of bills
and death and aging
and health insurance
there’s so much I’d like to see still
Paris and Japan and
a flourishing garden
in the backyard
in the middle of the night
it all feels impossible and exciting
like I have done so much
in the thirty years I’ve been alive
but have barely started
all that I want to do
I stare up at the dark
and I feel overwhelmed
by all there is
but I feel grateful
to be alive
and to have a soft and warm bed
to wake up and worry in
and to have you
there beside me
breathing so softly in your sleep