“Parenting is all about us,” realized one Mountain Strong Families mom. “It’s about realizing the childhood wounds we’ve buried that suddenly pop up again. It’s about the people skills we barely learned. I’ve come to realize so much about myself as I work to raise healthy children.” It is our response to children that will either teach or fail to develop their social emotional skills.

At the last Mountain Strong Families session, sponsored by Teens, Inc., parents grappled with whether their communication style adds gasoline or water to fiery, emotional situations with their children. We practiced techniques that aid a child in feeling understood. These three nonviolent communication skills help a child regulate their emotions, feel empathy for others, and consider the impact of their own words.

The first communication skill is to validate a child’s emotional reaction, perspective, or suffering before launching into our own take on the situation. We may not approve of our child’s behavior, but taking time to see the world through their eyes by normalizing their emotional response helps the child feel “seen” by us.

“It’s understandable that you’d be upset when your sister barged into your room. We all like our privacy.” Validation doesn’t excuse behavior. It recognizes that emotions trigger our outlandish or immature actions. The next time your child yells, hits, bosses, talks back or demands, ask yourself what you could validate for them?

A second communication skill which parents can model is empathetic listening. As we look underneath a child’s hurtful words or challenging behaviors, we search for and acknowledge the feelings and unmet needs driving the behavior. When children chaotically spew upset feelings or rigidly hold in vulnerable emotions, we can either paraphrase what they’ve said or reflect back what isn’t directly being said.

Children often are not able to effectively verbalize their inner world of thoughts, feelings, and needs. When we can articulate what is really going on for them, they begin to regulate their emotional reaction. Attendees practiced this reflective listening format for future use with their children. “It seems like you’re feeling _____ because you need _____”.

A parent who first mirrors back a child’s emotional state and underlying needs ultimately develops the child’s ability to empathize with others. In fact, the number one way in which children learn to be empathetic is by experiencing empathy from their adult caretakers.

Finally, Mountain Strong parents looked at the difference between aggressive, passive, and assertive communication. They practiced speaking in “I-messages” and controlling their speech in hopes of creating fewer defensive arguments with their children. Our default way of communicating is to speak from our amygdala and describe or blame our family members, rather than holding ourselves accountable for the feelings and needs we bring to any situation.

An “I-message” format, “I feel _____ when I notice/see/hear _____, because I need _____” is hard to argue with. It begs the recipient to address the situation. It doesn’t damage the relationship. Modeling assertive communication helps children know how to speak up for themselves while simultaneously being respectful to others.

Every month, after learning Nurturing Parenting skills, parents are asked to set concrete intentions for themselves. One Mountain Strong papa indicated he would stop using “You-messages” (You did XXX or You are XXX). He would strive to share how a situation impacted his feelings and separate the child from the problematic behavior. A Mountain Strong mama realized the importance of her response when her child is upset or acting out. She set an intention to use Reflective Listening comments before correcting her children.

There is an ineffective cycle of communication that goes on in many homes. The parent points out a problem and the child doesn’t listen to what is going on with the adult. The parent doesn’t feel heard and then fails to understand what feelings and needs the child has. So the child doesn’t feel heard. And around and around it goes.

Without using assertive communication and empathetic listening skills, the situation escalates into an even bigger conflict. Learning new communication skills and rewiring our brains from old, stale patterns is possible. For more rich ideas, check out How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber or Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.

Mountain Strong Families is an ongoing parenting series targeting families with children 12 and under who want to raise children with strong social emotional skills. TEENS, Inc. offers this series each September - May, along with a family dinner and free childcare at Nederland Elementary School.

Contact ann@teensinc.org to register for the next parenting session on February 28, Ensuring Your Child’s Confidence and Self Worth.