Michael Sivcovich, Nederland.  I think one of the biggest goals every parent has is to raise children who are compassionate, empathetic and polite. And why not? Don’t we all benefit from befriending people who are kind? While we all have this goal, almost every parent has run into some difficulty imparting these lessons to their children. I have two boys, so trust me, I understand. Sometimes they are trying their best, but when we are met with behaviors that are frustrating to us, or we reach a point where we run out of creative things to say and do, how can we continue to impart these lessons?

Well, it turns out, believe it or not, that your children are always listening to you. They just remember the fun stuff more easily. I have a colleague who says, “Children will remember the important things after you tell them 2 or 3 hundred (thousand) times. After that, it’s time to move on to the next issue!” I think any parent can relate, but what about the times that your little one hits a friend or child at the park? We tend to say the same things, which we should, but let’s consider why they hit another child in the first place. Children deal with the same emotions we have as adults, but they have not had time to learn how to identify and manage them. In my time as a preschool teacher I can’t begin to list the number of times that students hit or are mean out of frustration or even just having fun. Helping your child identify where the reaction came from lays the groundwork for coaching them to handle these emotions appropriately.

These important lessons that we teach our children, such as to use our words, not our hands, don’t always stick the first few times children hear them. If you’ve read other columns I’ve written about the constructivist theory of learning, this makes a bit of sense. As children build their knowledge of the world, emotional awareness becomes the basis of behavioral issues. They may think that because you’re saying something, they can evaluate themselves whether or not to internalize it. Keep at it! They hear you!

We have all seen the child that is good at saying “Sorry!” though there is little empathy behind it. Just as emotions tend to drive children’s behavior when they lash out, it does also when it comes time to atone. One thing I truly believe is that all children are empathetic - it just shows itself in ways that we don’t expect. It can look like a smile, a pouty face or walking over to the other child and beginning to play again. Empathy isn’t something that we can make anyone feel, but we can foster it. Catching someone doing the right thing and praising them for it is exponentially more effective than correcting undesired behavior.

There are lots of strategies to help little ones construct knowledge that will be practical and empathetic, but research has shown that as long as parents acknowledge and foster their children’s emotional intelligence and remain consistent on boundaries and expectations, it’ll settle in. We have several books in the juvenile nonfiction section and the parenting section that contain tools for you and your children to help them gain empathy. One of my favorites is “The Whole Brain Child,” by Dan Siegel, who I reference often. It’s great to have a strategy when coaching our little ones!

Michael Sivcovich is the Youth Services Coordinator at the Nederland Community Library.