Ann Sherman, Nederland.  The room at Nederland Middle School filled with dads, moms, and daughters aged 9 -14 years – all eager to focus on the lives of young women in 2015.  Although gender messages have been challenged over the last several decades, they still wield an unhealthy pressure on both boys and girls.  Kim O’Malley, from GirlsLeadership.org quickly pointed out that the influence of gender expectations remains strong in the lives of our children.  Our sons and daughters still receive very different messages.

Most recently, females are leaping ahead of males in obtaining college degrees, but O’Malley reminded parents that measures of external success don’t tell the whole story for their daughters.  In our culture, girls at a young age get the message reinforced by media that they must be pretty and perfect and nice.

Narrow standards of beauty in the 3000 ads they view each day leave many girls feeling unworthy and unacceptable.  So at the same time that we have a society of high achieving females striving for perfection, by adolescence girls experience depression and stress at twice the rate faced by their male peers.  Teenage girls struggle with their internal world, being authentic, and developing self-confidence.

When girls are expected to do everything well, they often refuse to take risks and try new things for fear of not being perfect, O’Malley argued.  When pressured to be seen as “nice”, girls are discouraged from expressing a whole myriad of emotions.  They also struggle with how to have healthy conflicts in their relationships.

Mountain girls reacted to the various prompts given by O’Malley during her presentation.  They shared with their parents and guardians and enjoyed some silly time together.  One mom was shocked at what she heard from her daughter.  “It was very eye-opening to hear my daughter’s responses.  It made me realize I have some work to do (at home).”

O’Malley encouraged parents to be very conscious about doing three things with their pre-teen daughters.  The main takes aways were –

Share your feelings with your daughter.  Help her to identify her own emotions and notice that adults experience all kinds of emotions as well.  Encourage her to take up space with her voice.

Tell your daughter about mistakes you have made.  Let her know that we are all human and what you have learned from your mistakes. Help her know that being perfect is never the goal.

Help your daughter practice and roleplay healthy conflict resolution skills at home in preparation for conflicts she may have with peers.   Coach her on typical statements to say when she is upset.

Need more strategies for doing these things with your daughter?  Many parents came in search of concrete information and practical applications.  They may have noticed that by age 9 or 10, social and emotional changes have been taking place in their daughters.  Thursday night was a teaser to get parents thinking about what their daughters need from them at this new stage in their lives.

During 4th and 5th grade, girls often experience significant shifts in their self-confidence as well as increasing social pressures to conform.  By the time they enter middle school, girls need the ability to be resilient in the face of challenges, to own their mistakes, and to set a strong internal compass for healthy friendships and relationships.  Otherwise, they face endless drama.

In January, a four week intensive workshop will be held on Thursday nights at NMSHS for 6-8th grade girls and their parents.  In February, a four week session will be offered on Tuesday evenings at the Nederland Library for 4th and 5th graders and their parents.  To register with Girls Leadership, contact molly@girlsleadership.org by December 15th.  Feel free to indicate if you can afford the full amount ($190 for 4th/5th and $260 for 6-8th), or if you could use some monetary assistance to be able to attend with your daughter.    Playing together with your daughter in these four week sessions may give her the extra support she could use at this time in her life.

As kids reach the teenage years, peers and media influence them more and more.  But the messages they get at home, the messages they carry around in their heads about what their parents have told them, give them the courage to be authentic and true to themselves.

Children learn what they live.  Children live what they learn.

NOTE:   On March 9th, Principal Adam Fels will host a workshop for 11 -14 year old boys and their dads, stepdads, or male mentors with similar themes.