Ann Sherman, Nederland. “It’s a relief to know that I’m not alone,” said one mother. “I’m not the only one who struggles” with a fair amount of family conflict, sibling squabbles, angry power struggles and hurt feelings in my household. And yet, she reflected after the fourth Mountain Strong Families presentation, “There are answers.” Parents gathered at Nederland Elementary School on Tuesday night to hear Erin Siffing and Kelly Taylor Russell, two practitioners from the Center for Prevention and Restorative Justice at the Boulder County District Attorney’s office, explore conflicts and challenging behavior. TEENS, Inc has taken the lead in hosting these informative and supportive parenting presentations in our community over the past year and will continue with the series on into next year.

Many parents agreed with one father who said he attended Resolving Family Conflicts; An Introduction to Restorative Parenting in order to create a healthier home life than the one he had grown up with. Parents were encouraged to consider a paradigm shift when addressing their child’s challenging behaviors. Siffing contrasted a Restorative Parenting Approach with the two styles of discipline most of us are familiar with – the shaming and controlling nature of a punitive style and the warm but boundary-less approach offered by a permissive style. In contrast, Restorative Parenting seeks to combine setting strong boundaries with a positive nurturing relationship and skill-building.

There is a long history of cultures utilizing a restorative approach to misbehavior and crime, dating back to various Native American traditions. So, it was fitting that parents gathered in Nederland Elementary School’s “Kiva” – a room designed from our Colorado native heritage to host problem-solving conversations between the community.

Restorative Practices is a growing national trend in school settings and throughout the criminal justice system. Its main focus is on repairing the relationships that have been harmed, holding folks accountable and reintegrating transgressors back into the community. The philosophy is just as helpful for parents and family conflicts.

When parents are triggered by their child’s behavior, we are operating from our reptilian brain and we want to snap at and judge our child’s choices, said Siffing. Restorative practices interrupt this typical cycle of conflict: where the child doesn’t listen so the parent doesn’t feel heard; then the parent doesn’t listen so the the child doesn’t feel heard, and round and round the argument goes.

The first step in interrupting this ineffective conflict cycle is to utilize needs-based communication. When there is misbehavior or conflict, a Restorative parent diffuses the situation by figuring out the basic human needs and emotions underlying the problematic behavior. By listening attentively and validating the child’s feelings through re-framing and summarizing, the parent demonstrates that s/he understands the child’s needs. For instance, when the child says: “You’re so mean. You never let me do anything I want,” the parent considers the feelings of being hurt or resentful and the need for independence or empowerment. The parent’s thoughtful (wizard brain) response could be, “It sounds like you really want to do this on your own. You seem frustrated because it feels to you like I’m getting in the way of that.”

Secondly, Taylor-Russell encouraged parents to share their own feelings, needs, concerns and values with their child. Try to “honestly own what you are bringing to the conflict,” by sharing emotion words and needs you have rather than utilizing evaluative, judgmental words to blame the child for what is happening inside of you.

For example, instead of saying, “I feel betrayed,” try responding with, “I feel disappointed because I need honesty from you.” Marshall Rosenburg, author of Nonviolent Communication, provides great tools to help parents utilize I-statements and Reflective Listening skills. Sign up for weekly NVC tips at: https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/parenting_tips/index.htm

Along with nonviolent communication, Taylor Russell prodded parents to let everyone take time to cool down in the midst of a conflict to soothe their Lizard Brains. Once everyone has felt understood and validated, she suggested setting a time to reconvene and discuss the situation further so that problem-solving can occur later. It may be helpful to have a refocusing area in your home where your child can comfortably go to soothe their big feelings and reflect. This can serve as a self-care station rather than a punitive time out chair. Restorative parents often need time to cool down too.

Kelly shared a third strategy for creating a restorative climate at home. “You’ve got to make it okay for everyone to make mistakes and accept responsibility for them.” Too many kids think they have to be perfect and are afraid to be accountable for what they did for fear of punishment. “At family dinner time, my partner and I often share how we each messed up that day and how we tried to repair the situation. We try to model taking responsibility for our own missteps.” Repair and accountability are stressed as opposed to shame and punishment for mistakes made.

A fourth tradition was offered to teach kids effective problem-solving routines when there are conflicts. Taylor Russell utilizes a circle process or weekly Family Meeting to discuss issues and problems, create expectations and make family agreements. This creates a restorative climate and allows family members to cool down before problem-solving, since it is impossible to be logical or creative in the moment when emotions are high. Circling back once a week to reflect on what has happened and repair any harm is a positive routine to foster.

Finally, Siffing and Taylor Russell demonstrated how to have a Restorative Conversation with a child. They waltzed through three key questions in a lively interchange:

“What happened from your perspective?” (The parent helps the child reflect on his thoughts, feelings and needs with summarizing statements like: It sounds like you felt _ because __). “Who was affected or impacted by this situation?” (Parents help the child explore how they were personally affected and then who else was impacted or hurt by their actions.) Thirdly, “What do you need to do to make things right?” When all threats of punishment are removed from the conversation, the child is more willing to be responsible for their actions. The parent helps the child consider, “If you were , what do you think you would need to make things better? The parent checks back later to see how the restorative gestures went.

This Mountain Strong Families presentation merely whet the appetite of parents wanting to help their children develop strong social emotional skills. “I’m going to have to study these handouts to really learn all this,” said one mom. Another mother thanked the educators at Nederland Elementary School for teaching these skills to her young children.

“My younger kids are so much better at expressing their feelings and needs than my older child who didn’t learn this. There is such a difference.”

Althea Abruscato, Restorative Practices Coordinator at TEENS, Inc, supports Nederland Elementary School as the educators there work to adopt a more restorative approach to discipline.

Two more Mountain Strong Families sponsored events will occur in April:

On April 3, 2019 from 5:30 -7:30 p.m. at Nederland Middle Senior High School, parents can learn how to have effective conversations with their children about vaping, alcohol and drug use. RSVP to kari.green@bvsd.org

On April 18, 2019, experience a lively workshop to “Turn Anxiety into your Superpower,” with Avani Dilger and a panel of youth from 6 -8 p.m. at the Nederland Community Center. Parents are encouraged to attend together with their teenager. For more information about the Mountain Strong Families Series, contact ann@teensinc.org.

(Originally published in the March 21, 2019, print edition of The Mountain-Ear.)