The table is set beautifully. Candles are lit. Expectant faces scan delicious offerings.

“What a great spread! Too bad people in (insert name of country) are starving,”

“I say, America first. Can you believe food prices? Thanks to our current president.”

“Well, let me set you straight with what I just saw on (insert Fox, MSNBC, YouTube, etc.).”

Too often we take the rare occasion of sharing a meal as the chance to release opinions and frustrations. It’s not just bad manners; it’s bad health. Getting upset freezes digestion as blood rushes to the heart, and away from the gut. Political talk is literally indigestible.

Host/hostess: Acknowledge your table is a safe place to enjoy each other and good food without argument. If talk devolves into politics, gossip, or family controversy, gently steer it back. “Discussion of politics or personal problems are important; the holiday table is just not the best time and place.” Acknowledge your guests and gifts or food they brought. Acknowledge kindly those absent due to obligation or illness. Acknowledge those who died this year. Acknowledge gratitude for the beauty of the season and the joy of being together.

Guests: Make an intention to not bring anything to the table that will embarrass, challenge, shame, or anger the host or other guests. This is a time to express happiness for the good news of others, and (briefly) share a tidbit of your own. It’s time to reconnect and learn about an upcoming anniversary, wedding, new job or hobby. If someone strays into dispute with you, it is okay to say, “I understand, but I’d rather not talk about that right now.” To not react is a positive response. If you want, offer a private time for discussion.

Let go of the need to be right, or to base your identity on others’ opinions. We can’t change others or how they think. Spouting clever retorts doesn’t alter hearts. Good relationship influences. If people attack us verbally, or are unreasonable, we can de-escalate it with, “I’ll have to think about that.” And we likely will.

My wise Native American friend has three rules around meals from her childhood: 1) don’t interrogate others with questions that put them on the spot, 2) don’t allude to off-color or gruesome topics such as details of a recent surgery, and 3) don’t invite controversy by delving into tragic events of the day or world and their accompanying politics.

All those things – unfortunately - will still be here after we leave the holiday table.