Ann Sherman, Nederland. As families shared plates of chicken chop suey and Colorado peach cobbler, two moms met and became instant comrades. Both looked across the room and noticed the other holding a four-month-old baby.  Who would have thought that their babies were born just three days apart, that they both live near Ward, and they both were at the Mountain Strong Families presentation reflecting upon how they will raise their bundles of joy? An instant friendship was launched as they realized they were both rearing their offspring on the mountain tops and gulches surrounding Nederland. And who couldn’t use a new friend to help them be the best parent one can be?

At the second Mountain Strong Families presentation on September 10, local school counselors Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller began the conversation about ReThinking Discipline by using Dr. Dan Siegel’s workbook, No-Drama Discipline. Parents were asked to consider which discipline style they use when they are at their best and what their default style looks like when they are exhausted and frustrated with their child’s behavior. It is common that parents threaten consequences, send their child into timeout, react inconsistently or struggle to set boundaries, overreact in a harsh way, or engage in power struggles with toddlers to teenagers.  Parenting taxes us all.

The No-Drama Discipline Workbook begins with clarifying that the word “discipline” derives from the Latin word meaning “to teach skills.” Dr. Siegel believes there are usually better ways to teach skills than by giving immediate consequences. Instead of punishment, he suggests that we try to help our children think about their actions, feelings and needs. We would all love for our children to just obey us in the short run, but in the long run our goal is to have them develop self- control, a moral compass, and grow up to be kind and responsible people. Every child needs discipline in order to develop into a successful adult.

The first step in developing a thoughtful and intentional discipline style, one which will produce responsible and compassionate people, is to make sure you aren’t reacting from autopilot when your child misbehaves. Adult caretakers need to make sure they are regulating themselves before responding and disciplining children. Parents suggested several tools that help them shift from a knee-jerk reaction to their child smearing peanut butter on the couch (or climbing out the window to hang with friends on a Friday night). Some of their favorite ways to PAUSE before responding to the teachable moment were to (1) reflect on how you are feeling and what you need in that situation, (2) stop and look at how small the child’s hands are while realizing they are still learning and growing, (3) pause and remember three things you love about them, (4) or take three deep, slow breaths before saying anything. Strategies like these help adults put their oxygen mask on first. They allow discipline to feel safe and loving instead of humiliating and scary to the child.

 The second step suggested by Kron and Mueller was to ask yourself three simple questions which will help you respond to your child with curiosity instead of frustration. Ask yourself WHY is my child acting like this? (Are they hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Is there some need being met by their behavior? What is their perspective in this situation?)  WHAT skill do they need to learn in this situation? HOW can I best teach this lesson? (Do I need to soothe them and lower their emotions before I can guide them to make better choices?) Considering the answers to these three questions often helps parents respond differently to the situation.

The third thing to consider when disciplining a child is to distinguish between a child who “can’t” and “won’t” behave. Kids who fail to behave as they are expected to are often seen as being willfully disobedient, as just deciding to be difficult. While many parents take misbehavior personally and see it as an act of defiance, Dr. Siegel helps parents realize that most misbehavior represents the child indicating that they don’t know how to control themselves and make good decisions. The child often does not have the language skills, social skills, emotional regulation skills, or the capacity to act any differently than they are acting. They are often emotionally dysregulated or lack the skill set to behave better. We adults often have unrealistic expectations for a child’s age and stage of development. They often “can’t” behave any differently. They need our help, showing them how they can make better choices.   

The final “aha” moment for parents came when Kron and Mueller explained how brain science is helping us understand behavior in a different way. Humans are born with a fully developed “lizard” or reptilian brain. This part of our brain helps us process emotions up to 500 times faster than our brain processes thoughts and choices. Our first reaction to situations is an emotional one, not a well-thought out, measured response. When a situation produces uncomfortable emotions in us, our survival mechanism is triggered, and we react with fight, flight, or freezing behaviors. The child who yells or pushes (fight), the adolescent that slams the bedroom door when given limits (flight), the third grader who clams up and won’t tell you what is going on (freeze) … are all in their defensive survival mode. 

It takes children until their mid-to-late 20’s to fully develop their “wizard brain” or thoughtful prefrontal cortex. This developing brain allows them to soothe their intense emotions, think through decisions, verbalize their thoughts and feelings, develop empathy for others, brainstorm choices and creatively problem solve. Note to self:  no one can learn when they are in their “lizard” brain. Our endless lectures are falling on deaf ears when our child’s emotions are elevated. Our response to their behavior can either enrage them, i.e. lock them in their lizard brain where they cannot think things through, or engage them in connecting with their wise, compassionate brain so they can reflect and learn.  Science has shown that addressing kids’ emotional needs is actually the most effective approach to addressing behavior over time, as well as developing their brains in ways that allow them to handle themselves better as they grow up.

 We adults are most frustrated and stressed out when our children aren’t behaving, when the connection between their lizard and wizard brain has been lost, or they have flipped their lid. There are many strategies parents can use to help build neural pathways between the emotional and thoughtful parts of their children’s brain. A few shared ideas included, showing empathy for how the child is feeling (Naming their emotions to tame them.), validating how they feel (“I can see how that would upset you.”), soothing the child to deescalate their intense emotional reaction (“Let’s hug and take three deep breaths together, then we’ll talk about what happened.”), giving clear choices (Say “yes” with a condition attached.), and collaborating with the child to solve the problem (“How can I help you work through this?”). 

Parents were eager to apply this knowledge to real world experiences. The Mountain Strong Families presentations at Nederland Elementary School on October 9, November 6, and December 3, will offer chances to practice strategies and skills children who are “spoiled, disrespectful, defiant” (…oops, rethink emotionally dysregulated with undeveloped skills). Come shift your thinking, develop new tools, and find more joy in your role as parent!  RSVP for the next free family dinner, childcare and presentation, “How Connecting Deeply with our Children Helps them Learn”, to ann@teensinc.org.

(Originally published in the September 26, 2019, print edition of The Mountain-Ear.)