Ann Sherman, Nederland. As the winter winds gusted through the foothills, several dozen local parents piled upon their couches in front of their fireplaces and “tuned in.”  They connected virtually during the interactive Mountain Strong Families Parenting Series hosted by TEENS, Inc. January 21st kicked off the first virtual session of Raising Whole Human Beings. Four more monthly sessions will follow.  

Teens, Inc Parenting Educator, Angie Sands, shared how she raised her son as a young, single mom. She remembers searching out resources to build her confidence and skills, and to strengthen her relationship with her son. Like the mountain parents gathered online, she realized that she needed to surround herself with the strength and experiences of other parents to raise her own son well.  

Sands began this current Mountain Strong Families Parenting Series with helping us think about what behaviors we find challenging in our children, then reframing those behaviors into positive qualities we hope our children will one day exhibit. Parents were then asked to think about the skills we will need to explicitly teach if we want our child to develop those qualities. Each family set some personal goals for our children.

All parents want to raise children who are whole and healthy, but a lot of things can get in the way of that. One of the best scientific predictors for how well any child turns out is whether at least one adult is emotionally attuned and consistently shows up for them. “Showing up” goes beyond the basics of functional parenting, where someone feeds, clothes, transports their child, and gets them to do their homework. “Showing up” is about intentionally being present with our child. It is about regularly connecting to the child’s inner world in order to strengthen the ties between parent and child.  

The four building blocks for raising healthy children have been laid out by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in their book, The Power of Showing Up. Children who feel like they are seen, soothed, safe, and secure form a connected relationship with their caregiver and learn to thrive. We parents were asked to reflect upon which adult in our own childhood saw and understood our inner world, made us feel safe, soothed our emotional reactions, and repaired the relationship when ruptures occurred? It might have been a parent, or a relative, coach, neighbor, teacher or elder who showed up through thick and thin. These nurturing relationships helped shape how our brains developed, either becoming integrated or remaining dysregulated and reactive.

Parents at the Mountain Strong Families event were given four strategies to ensure we become this solid base for our children. The four parenting strategies include: intentional activities that help us connect daily with our child, Focusing on the caregiver’s wellbeing, chasing the why behind our child’s behavior so we respond to their needs and emotions, and serving as a coach to explicitly teach emotion-regulation and social skills rather than punishing our child for not having these skills yet.  

Children who consistently have a caregiver show up in these ways, learn to trust in and relate to others, feel comfortable in their own bodies and with their feelings, and respond to their emotions, relationships, and life challenges without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. Children who don’t feel secure, build brains that are more likely to react to other people with drama, neediness, or demands. Recent neuroscience research shows how our relationship with our children helps determine how their brains actually form and whether they will feel whole or insecure throughout their lives. However, it is never too late to develop these healthy pathways in our child’s brain.    

Angie, the facilitator, offered three key parenting skills for filling a child’s emotional piggy bank and teaching social-emotional skills that will serve children for a lifetime. First off, every parent was asked to designate 10-15 minutes per day participating in child-directed play or special time with each of their children. By playing and observing closely what our child imagines, creates, or is absorbed in, and by using descriptive commentary to let them know we see their inner world, we are building the foundation for a secure, attached relationship with our child.  

A second parenting strategy is to make sure we are intentionally affirming our children 5 - 10 times more than we correct, redirect, or critique their behaviors. It’s easy to get into the rut of constantly correcting our child’s missteps, but the adult’s critical voice soon becomes the child’s inner voice. We want our children to believe in their self-worth, because children who feel good about themselves are more likely to interact with others in healthy ways.

Thirdly, parents were challenged to find simple ways of connecting with our children throughout the regular routines of the day. For instance, purposely turning off cellphones in the evening and having dinner conversations about “how were you kind today?” or “how were you brave today?” Parents of older kids might begin a conversation journal with their child to pass back and forth with each other. There are endless ways for weaving connection activities into our regular morning and evening routines that do not take more time. They just take our focus and intention.  

After setting our own intentions regarding these strategies, we were asked to notice over the next month how our relationship with our children (and our child’s behavior) is affected by these efforts. Whether you are attending the virtual Mountain Strong Families Series or not, you can set your intentions to improve daily bonding with your child. And, you can find additional resources regarding these strategies on the new Mountain Strong Families Facebook page. 

Next month’s focus will be on Nurturing Ourselves on the Parenting Journey. Until then, Happy Parenting!

Ann Sherman is the host of the Mountain Strong Families Series.