Two dozen parents snuggled up in front of their computers and TV screens last week to simultaneously learn what life is like in other mountain homes. “We’re pretty much all in the same boat,” one mom observed. “We all want our kids to be respectful, compassionate, confident, resilient, and grounded,” summarized facilitator Angie Sands, from TEENS, Inc.

And with that common theme, parents listened to Dr. Dan Siegel, author of The Whole Brain Child, outline four non-negotiable experiences that every child needs in order to develop into a whole human being who can thrive and contribute in this ever-changing world.

Vast research across many disciplines has demonstrated that a child needs to be seen, soothed, feel safe, and feel secure in order to develop strong social emotional competencies that will guide them through life. The Mountain Strong Families Series, “Raising Whole Human Beings”, is delving into which proven parenting strategies provide these essential experiences for children. Books by Dan Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson, Laura Markham, and Steven Bavolek shape the parenting philosophy and practices adopted by Mountain Strong Families.

The first session on September 14, 2021, began by asking parents to consider where their parenting approach and beliefs come from. We are all influenced by the time, place, and culture in which we grew up. Some childhoods were spent in urban areas while others flourished in rural communities. Generationally, many young parents found they shared values of equality and justice along with their peers. Regional and religious differences about child rearing become evident too. Some parents embrace the parenting style of their own parents; others are charting a new course.

If the end goal is to raise children with strong social emotional competencies (i.e. self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, relationship skills, and ethical decision-making skills), how can we intentionally nurture these in the way we parent? Attendees were introduced to the Nurturing Parenting philosophy. This approach is rooted in a deep understanding of how a child’s brain develops, and it is tethered to an understanding of the child’s inner world of emotions and needs. It recognizes that a parent’s own selfawareness, their ability to manage their emotional reactions, and the daily care that they provide to themselves, is what allows them to bring their best selves into the relationship with their children. Finally, this approach teaches specific ways to coach undeveloped skills rather than turning to punitive reactions when children demonstrate skill deficits.

The first session emphasized that a child will often act poorly when they feel disconnected from others. This naturally happens throughout each day – when parents and children have been separated by work or school, when parents become irritated with the child’s behavior, or when adults are busily rushing through the tasks of the day. One of the main responsibilities of parents is to notice when these disconnections are occurring and actively take steps to reconnect with the child. It is not uncommon for children to say that their parents don’t talk about feelings with them, or that their parents get too busy and don’t really know what they are up to. These statements reflect a longing for meaningful connection with a child’s caregiver.

In order for our children to feel securely attached to us, deep connections need to occur several times each day. This doesn’t mean parents need to give constant attention. It means pausing to provide quality interactions where the adult really “sees” their child’s inner world-- a world of imagination, emotions, memories, and perspectives.

Parents were encouraged to purposely designate special one-on-one time each day where they enter their child’s world and follow their lead. This might mean listening to your child’s favorite song or playing a favorite video game together. This might mean dressing up with your five year old or laying on your back staring at the clouds with your seven year old. It might mean wrestling or snuggling with your three year old or expressing amazement as your nine year old plays an instrument.

While “functional parenting” means you make sure your child gets enough sleep and food to survive, “Nurturing Parenting” means you are providing a quality of your presence to help your child feel seen and understood. A strong foundation of connection between parent and child allows for the child’s brain to develop focused attention, insight, empathy and compassion. Without this secure connection, children can remain demanding, whiny, or full of social drama.

Parents who ensure that there are five times as many warm, positive interactions with their child, as there are corrections and critiques, are more likely to find their children as more cooperative and willing to learn and be influenced by them.

What would your child say if asked, “Do you feel seen and understood by your parents? Does your caregiver provide a protective and nurturing presence for you?” We “see” children when we play in their world, when we follow their lead for a bit. We also “see” children when we empathize with their feelings of disconnection and intentionally reconnect.

“This workshop was great,” exclaimed Misty Coykendall. “Both my husband and I were inspired, and we talked a lot with our kids one-on-one at bedtime tonight. Now, we just need to keep those special moments going!”

The next Mountain Strong Families session on October 12 will explore why children act the way they do. We will take a deeper dive into how a child’s brain functions and how it develops the social emotional skills we want to see in our grown children. Contact ann@teensinc.org for more info.