Special guest column by: Tonald D. Jrump

My fellow Americans,

You are well aware of the many forces trying to destroy America and the heroic efforts I make daily to foil their pathetic efforts. Whether it is Muslims trying to force us to adopt Arabic numerals, immigrants wanting to take high-paying tomato picking jobs from real Americans, or journalists trying to revive that outdated separation of powers model, I have fought their efforts with every fiber in my body (which, by the way, is the most fit body ever inhabited by an American President. Believe me).  

But the liberals will stop at nothing to destroy this great nation that our straight, white, Christian, Republican, free-market, golfing forefathers built. Now, as part of their campaign to kill America with socialism, healthcare for all, a  clean environment, and competent appointees, the liberals, led by Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer (both from liberal coastal elite states), are pushing legislation to require the National Football League to ditch the American system of measurement and replace it with the metric system.  

I mean, it’s bad enough that they want little Johnny to use the same bathroom as little Suzy.  It’s bad enough that they want to disarm our police officers. It’s bad enough that they want to disband our armed forces and send our brave troops across the land to plant marijuana on their way home. It’s bad enough that they want your kids to learn science so they can use carbon dating to prove the Earth is more than six thousand years old and Jesus could not possibly have talked with dinosaurs.  But have they no shame?

Can you imagine an America in which tens of millions of viewers are forced to listen to Al Michaels say, “It’s fourth and half a meter for the Packers. What do you think, Chris?” And this would be wholly unfair to men like Drew Brees, whose record would drop from 77,416 career passing yards down to 70,798.34 career passing meters.  

My friends, there is no coronavirus. That’s fake news. The Taliban are the good guys. We have so much money in the bank for Social Security you wouldn’t believe it if I showed it to you.  When you retire, you will all be drinkin’ that free Bubble-Up and eatin’ that rainbow stew. Don’t believe the liberal media. The real problem facing America right now is that liberals like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib want to force the NFL to adopt the measuring system their countries use.  

As your president, I will never let the liberals force the NFL to switch units of measurement. CBS, NBC, ABC, PBS and CNN can defame me all they want, and they can fail to report my many achievements, but this will not deter me, still your president, Tonald D. Jrump, from protecting the game of football.

God bless you all, and God bless America!

[Editor’s Note. We hope you enjoy our April Fools’ stories, our It’s Your Turn stories and our hard news. This issue is a combination of all three. Which is which? You decide...]