Sara Sandstrom-Kobi, Peak to Peak. The first time in my life when I could have celebrated Mother’s Day as a mother, I dreaded it coming. I was supposed to be able to take pictures with my three month old daughter that day. I was supposed to be smiling and proudly holding my first child. You see I felt there was nothing to celebrate because our daughter had been stillborn. We left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts. 

As Mother’s Day approached that year I felt anger, jealousy and overwhelming sadness. I felt that every day during that time, but Mother’s Day exasperated the whole situation. How was I ever going to make it through that day?

The day came and my husband gave me flowers. My mom sent a card. A couple friends sent notes or called. All of them wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day and showing me an enormous amount of love. Their love and actions showed me how much they cared and that I was a mom even if I wasn’t holding my baby in my arms. 

The next year was the most wonderful of Mother’s Days. I was holding my son who was only a couple months old. I was absolutely filled with gratitude and love for this child, my child. 

A few years after that I was finally holding one my daughters on Mother’s Day. I was now an exhausted mom with a baby and a toddler. But I could not be happier. 

This day in May that celebrates moms always means I will be getting cards and hugs and kisses from my children.  And I am usually gifted flowers to add to my flower garden. 

As joyful as the day is there is a part of me that never forgets the emotions of my first Mother’s Day. I know someone somewhere is feeling the same way I did. And my heart goes out to them. It is a grief that never goes away. 

This year with so many businesses currently closed getting my annual tray of pansies and a hanging fuchsia plant may not happen. I decided we would try a new craft and make our own flowers. 

I dug out some old clear plastic cups left over from birthday parties. The kids and I colored them with Sharpie markers, cut them and put them in the oven. We excitedly watched as the heat from the oven melted them into different shapes. They were not as perfect looking as the internet showed, but as my daughter said, “They are flower-ish.”

Our creations are bright in color and bring a smile to my face. It was a fun activity and hopefully shows my kids to always remember Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day was established in the US to always be the second Sunday in May. It is a day to honor and show extra appreciation for the mother’s in our lives. 

I love Mother’s Day. I love celebrating my own mom and thanking her for her steadfast love. The day also reminds me of the pain of being a parent of lose to the extreme joy of having children I can see and hug every day. That pain grounds me. It humbles me and teaches me never to take things for granted. The deep sorrow of losing two babies and the jubilation of having two surviving children in my life is part of my identity. 

To all mothers, no matter what your role is, this is your day to hopefully relax a little and feel appreciation and love from your family. This is the day we say thank you for all your hard work and unconditional love. 

(Originally published in the May 7, 2020, print edition of The Mountain-Ear.)