“I hate this time of year!” Naomi proclaimed as she plopped into the squishy chair with a view of the snowy creek.

“Why?” I asked. Naomi was normally a very positive, cheery person.

“Oh, it’s my family. They’re so money-focused!”

“With Christmas presents?” I wondered out loud.

“Exactly,” Naomi said. “We didn’t have much growing up, so my sister goes OVERBOARD with her kids. Plus, her husband is rich! So it’s no problem for them to get my nieces and nephew the latest electronics. Then she wants me to ‘chip in’ on a gift for our folks. What that means is she picks out what she thinks they’ll want, buys it, then tells me to Venmo her money (way more than my budget allows!). Half the time she ‘forgets’ to say it’s from both of us. I swear. Sometimes I just want to take off for the holidays with the family and go volunteer. Spend time showing the kids what really matters!”

“Why don’t you?” I asked.

“Ugh, I hate December!” Jay groaned. “I always host Hanukkah, not only for our entire extended family, but for folks at our Temple that don’t have family in town. Every single night I’m making sure we have everything in place, and everyone is taken care of! From gluten-free to heart-healthy, traditional prayers to contemporary songs, everyone has strong opinions these days.”

“Do you enjoy hosting?” I asked Jay. I had never heard him talk much about entertaining people at his home, so I was surprised by his annual commitment.

“Absolutely not. But when Mom died, I promised her I’d keep the family together. So that’s what I do.”

“When did your Mom die?” I gently asked.

“She died 25 years ago,” he quietly stated, looking into the dark evening.

“Wait, so you’ve been hosting for 25 years, even though you hate it?” I asked.

From a psychological perspective holiday rituals, at their best, can offer a sense of grounding and familiarity within what can be a chaotic, busy season. Ideally, traditions result in connection to our spiritual heritages and the bigger picture, maintaining and strengthening family ties, and providing times of meaning and purpose amidst daily life. However, rituals that we’ve outgrown or those that aren’t working anymore can negatively impact us. Sometimes our expectations for annual traditions fall short, and we’re left feeling disappointed, frustrated, or even taken advantage of.

For Naomi, it was time to shift her holiday traditions with her sister and parents. Naomi let her family know that in 2024 they would not be participating in the family gift-giving. Instead, they would be collecting children’s socks and toys ahead of their Christmas volunteer trip to Juarez, Mexico, to support a local organization in filling and giving out children’s gift boxes. She was relieved to discover that her teenagers loved the idea of trying something new over the holidays!

With further inquiry it turned out that Jay actually did really enjoy hosting, he just needed some work on communication skills in order to not take on all the duties himself. After his first couple of awkward phone calls (he accidentally asked the paleo person to bring a vegan dish), he got the hang of it and found people were happy to help out.

“My mom would be proud,” he shared with tears in his eyes. “She was all about empowering others to share their talents, and that’s what I get to do now. I’m following through on the heart of her Hanukkah tradition, which is what really matters.”

This December, whatever your traditions (or non-traditions) may be, what if we all take a few minutes to examine how they are impacting our lives? Keeping the positive, moving on the ones that have overstayed their welcome, and focusing on a healthy holiday can make all the difference.

I’d love to hear from you about your own experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.