Ann Sherman, Nederland . When Mountain Strong Families gathered virtually for the presentation “Fostering Your Child’s Healthy Sexual Development”, it quickly became apparent that many parents had received little information or shaming, guilt-ridden messages about sex while they were growing up. Some of us experienced sexual abuse which also influences the sex talks we need to have with our kids. To be expected to talk openly and honestly with our children about sexual topics leaves many parents feeling overwhelmed, embarrassed, or reactive. How do we discuss sexuality with confidence and help our children develop a body positive approach to their sexual development?

TEENS, Inc hosted Trish Wood and Gretchen Fair from Blue Sky Bridge in Boulder, to speak with Mountain Strong Families about having tough conversations with our children regarding all sorts of sexual topics. They shared several powerful reasons why parents should make an intentional effort to talk about sex with their kids –

a. Children may be able to get factual information from other sources, but family is often the primary source for helping to develop an individual’s sense of values around sexuality.  

b. Children whose parents talk to them about sexuality are more likely to delay intercourse, are more likely to act responsibly when they do become sexually active (Martinez, Abma, & Copen, 2010) and are safer from incidents of sexual abuse.  

 c.  Talking about sex and sexuality is the missing link in preventing a whole bunch of problems later in life like, low self-esteem, depression, guilt, body image problems, sexual abuse, teen pregnancy, transmission of STIs, etc.  

Parents were encouraged to reflect upon which messages they got when they were a child about sexuality? What messages did they receive about bodies, babies, and gender roles?  Hmm. Stop for a minute and do your own reflection before reading on. What did you learn and how did it affect your sexual development?  

Where did you get your information about sexuality from -- parents, peers, faith organizations, books, siblings, relatives, school? Some of us got a “drive by” approach as a book was handed to us without further explanation or discussion. Some received information about the mechanics and biology of reproduction, but nothing directly about relationships or sexual pleasure. We might have received information about puberty for our own gender, but not necessarily about the other genders. Did you learn about obtaining consent, birth control options, self-pleasure, body image, sexual orientation and identity, healthy relationships, pornography, sexual politics, or how to define your own values regarding sexuality? Maybe not. And that was before the Internet. Now our children have online access to both facts and distortions, regardless of any conversations we have with them. By age nine, most kids have seen pornographic content online. Boys say they learn more about sexuality from porn than from their parents.  

Parents must be intentional about sharing accurate information and their values with their children. If you stop and think about all the devices that are used to get online, and all the places children can get access to the Internet, you realize that sexual information is available everywhere! Learn how to use parental controls on all devices if you don’t want your elementary-age child to be exposed to adult sexual content. It should be noted that if parents offer accurate information to kids, children are less curious about scrolling online to learn about sexual topics.  

Here are some helpful hints for parents wanting to guide their child’s healthy sexual development:

1.  Clarify what your own values are regarding sexuality. Your values are the one and only thing you can teach your kids that no one else can. When you are clear about your sexual values, the conversations become easier. Your partner’s values may differ from yours and that’s fine. Your children will eventually develop their own values, so it’s okay for both of you to talk about your perspective.  

2.  Get the facts. Check out some books or websites designed to teach children of various ages about sexuality. Understanding what typical sexual behavior at each age and stage is will also help you feel more confident and less reactive about your child’s developing sexuality. For instance,  

Human beings are sexual beings from birth. Our largest sex organ is our skin and children like to be held and caressed. Babies begin to explore their genitals to self-soothe. Toddlers begin to develop either a positive or negative body image and become curious about naked bodies and gender identity. From age 4 -6, children start wondering where babies come from, they mimic adults by kissing or holding hands, and they often play “doctor.” In early elementary school, children start talking about having a boyfriend or girlfriend, develop a deeper understanding about gender roles, may use slang words about sexuality, tell jokes about body parts, and draw nude pictures. From age 8 -12, children look to the media and peers for sexual information, compare themselves to peers in physical development, become sexually attracted to others, and usually define their sexual orientation and gender identity. By 13, children may be considering or engaging in behaviors that are sexual in nature with their peers.  

3.  Decide what you want your kids to know. Make a list of topics, prioritize them, and practice addressing the easier ones first. Start sharing information when your child is in preschool and build upon it as they mature. Use the correct names for body parts. To protect your child, make sure no one keeps “’secrets”. By age 5, explain the process of reproduction, discuss what body parts and practices are “private.”  By age 8, share your values and rules. Discuss adult sex with your child before their peers share derogatory words and play games of dare. Ask your child “where did you hear that word and what do you think it means?”   

 Before children attend middle school, they should have a basic understanding of just about all sexual topics. Spend a lot of time from age 8 -12 talking about respect and consent. Help your child to read and interpret the body language of others. Have conversations in the car when they are a captive audience. From age 13 on up, give kids permission NOT to do what others are doing sexually. Let them use you (their parent) as an excuse to get out of uncomfortable situations they may not be ready for. Be open about sexual activity and the precautions that need to be taken. If your child is uncomfortable talking to you, help identify other adults who can talk with them about sex.

4.  Stop, breathe, and think through what you want to say.   The conversation will go better if we are calmly responding to the topic instead of having a knee-jerk reaction.  Practice, practice, practice the conversation.  If need be, circle back to a topic that you were caught off-guard by.  Merely say, “Remember when... let’s talk more about that.”  

5.  Initiate the conversation.  Kids may not ask, but they still need to know. Use every day teachable moments when reading a book, watching a movie, or hearing song lyrics to talk about consent, gender roles, healthy relationships. Start early and make these conversations a natural part of your family life. Keep the talks short and sweet. The parents who have the most impact on their kids have regular conversations about sexuality, love and relationships and are close to their children. Repeat yourself over and over with more detail as your child ages.    

One resource for parents who want to have better conversations with their kids than they had is: birdsandbeesandkids.com. Amy Lang’s podcasts, book suggestions, and parenting tips help ease these difficult conversations and prepare parents for this important responsibility.

(Originally published in the October 1, 2020, edition of The Mountain-Ear.)