Ann Sherman, Nederland.  The final session of “Raising Whole Human Beings” took place on a beautiful spring evening, tucked gently between May snowstorms. Parents of toddlers-to-tweens reflected on their monthly gatherings. Families labelled these sessions as “invaluable, informative, relaxed, safe, fun, and helpful.” One mom went so far as to consider them “priceless.”

The majority of parents believed their relationships with their children had significantly improved since applying new parenting strategies. They also felt more connected to other parents in our community after spending evenings together discussing common concerns.  

We were not meant to parent in isolation. Mountain Strong Families program, hosted by TEENS, Inc, offers an easy way to learn positive parenting skills and develop a network of friends who are striving to raise whole human beings. Most of us are trying to do this transformative work with little or no prior training, some hearsay knowledge and a lot of “gut feeling”. Can you imagine a doctor or plumber doing their job this way?

This year’s series intertwined the interpersonal neurobiological research of Dr. Dan Siegel into concrete strategies that parents warmly welcome utilizing. Siegel has found that children need four things to develop wholeness: to be seen, soothed, feel safe, and secure. The final workshop focused on helping a child feel secure in their relationships. Security comes from believing that even though there will be problems, conflicts, and hurt feelings along the way, there are also ways to repair and restore wholeness; ways to resolve the dilemma. The suggested strategies give children hope that there is a pathway that leads toward wholeness and reconciliation between humans.  

Facilitator, Angie Sands, illustrated how often we approach problems and conflicts from a rule-based mindset. We look at what rule was broken and try to come up with a consequence to punish the person for their past behavior. A contrasting restorative mindset was then shared to aspire to. A restorative approach helps us look for solutions and ideas that will help everyone do better in the future; an approach that asks everyone to be accountable to repair any damages, where the group works together to heal itself. When conflicts occur, parents are encouraged to ask “What happened? Who has been impacted? What needs to happen to make things right between everyone again?” The difference between these two approaches is profound.

Then, instead of quickly imposing an adult-generated solution when siblings or friends squabble, parents can coach children to work through collaborative problem-solving steps. A stoplight visual was used to emphasize the progression of stages in resolving conflicts. 

Red light: Stop the interaction. Stop talking. Stop acting. Encourage kids to take a break and de-escalate their emotional reactions.

Children who have practiced calming strategies like deep breathing, drawing, journaling, or outdoor exercise can more easily find healthy ways to re-integrate their brains when they are upset. “While growing up, we were taught to give each other space to cool down, then revisit the issue later,” remembered one mom, because no one can creatively solve a problem when they are elevated.  

Yellow light: Parents can then coach each child to tell their side of the story cautiously and thoughtfully.  Help children to restrain their tendency to blame and attack the other person by framing their story into an I-statement. “Tell them how you are feeling, what happened that upset you, and what you need to feel better.”  Because it is so hard to listen to another person’s perspective, families often use a talking piece to designate who gets to talk while the others work to listen.  

In the midst of conflict, seek first to understand. Children can be coached to reflect what they heard the other child say before they try to defend themselves. “Tell them what you heard them say. How are they feeling?  What upset them? What do they need?” Offer children the reflective listening skills of repeating, reframing, asking curious questions, and seeking clarity before they share their perspective. Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication offers extensive support for families who find that their communication style often escalates, rather than deescalates, a conflict situation.  

Once all parties have felt heard and understood, state the mutual problem that needs to be solved.  Ask the children, “What ideas do you have for addressing this situation?”  Drawing from their prefrontal cortex, children need practice generating an array of practical, silly, and thoughtful solutions to any situation. After brainstorming, ideas can be evaluated for whether they are safe, respectful, and fair to everyone.  

Green light: Find a solution that works for everyone and try it out. See if there are amends that still need to be made which can return the relationship to a secure state. Does anyone need a hug, a handshake, a genuine apology, a chance to do something nice for each other? Ask children what they need to feel better.

Most parents readily admit that they did not learn healthy approaches to conflict when they were growing up.  “I just learned to appease others to defuse the situation,” said one mom. “We just yelled at each other and then forgot about it,” said another. “I learned that silence doesn’t make problems disappear,” mentioned one parent.  One dad was grateful that he was taught “if you lose your temper, you can always circle back later and say you are sorry.” Practicing a “do over” when things have gone south can reset the relationship.

Using a weekly family meeting to discuss and solve problems helps to develop the above-mentioned skills in a child’s reservoir of relationship tools. As practice, parents playfully brainstormed how to solve one of the ongoing problems in many homes – how to get out of the door on time each morning. Some chose to bribe their children to get ready; others rely on the natural consequence of the kids going to school with their pajamas on.  But other creative ideas also emerged: Gently wake up the child with a back rub, work together to pre-pack lunches the night before, have children pick out their clothes the night before and lay out a “fake child” on the floor made from their selections. These ideas brought smiles to the faces of parents who regularly face frustration and stress in the early morning hours. Imagine the power of generating these ideas along with your child. Relationships can be restored when we know how to problem solve together.  

Before we have kids, none of us really thinks of learning about parenting skills. And after we have kids, who has the time? And yet, we may desperately want to give our children tools that we didn’t learn as a child. Set your child up for success next year as TEENS, Inc and Mountain Strong Families offers eight workshops to mountain parents. Until then, the Mountain Strong Families Facebook page offers a chance to interact with other parents about parenting issues. It is full of articles from a positive parenting perspective; an approach that helps your child feel seen, soothed, safe, and secure.  

For more information, contact ann@teensinc.org. 

(Originally published in the May 13, 2021, edition of The Mountain-Ear.)