“I felt uncomfortable on my last date,” Joe started his session with a puzzled look on his face.

“What happened?” I asked. Joe had gotten divorced a few years ago, and for the most part felt at ease navigating the dating world.

“I’ve been out a few times with Sarah,” Joe explained. “We have similar tastes in music and TV shows, and have been enjoying getting to know each other. We had plans to visit a new Thai restaurant and at the last minute she said she wanted to go to a different restaurant. I thought, no big deal, and suggested a Mexican restaurant I’d been wanting to try. But then she said no to that one too! I asked if she could offer some ideas, and she suggested a traditional diner. Now I love diner food as much as the next person, but it just felt off to me somehow.”

“Hmm,” I mused, “did she offer some kind of reason?”

“She said the spices bothered her stomach,” Joe said, a puzzled look on his face.

“His family can’t afford to help pay for the wedding. I don’t know why he’s so ‘sensitive’ about it. We have money and his family doesn’t. What’s the big deal?” Margaret, a newly engaged woman, was clearly frustrated.

“I don’t understand, how did this come up? Did you and your fiancé talk about the wedding?” I asked.

“We went to Sunday brunch with my folks, and John got into a debate with my dad over who would pay the bill. Afterwards John wouldn’t drop it. I tried to explain that my dad has lots of money and is always happy to pay, but John felt disrespected somehow. I mean, he’s a teacher and my dad was a corporate manager! Why wouldn’t he just let my dad pay? And if he gets this upset about brunch, how is he going to handle it when my dad wants to pay for our entire wedding?” Margaret was unconsciously biting her finger nails, staring out the sliding door at the snow-covered creek.

“We were doing this trust exercise in my college psychology class and one of my classmates got mad at me,” Brianna shared. “I’m so annoyed. I went out of my way to validate her and then she actually got mad!” Brianna was pacing the session room, twirling her long hair around her fingers.

“What was the exercise?” I asked.

“Everyone was sitting on the floor in a circle, and I was standing up in the middle. I was supposed to walk around and pull everyone up, and they were supposed to trust that I could pull them into a standing position. Calli is a larger woman and she fought me on it, telling me she’d stand up herself. Finally she let me try and, although I almost fell over, I did it! She was really upset and ran out of the room.” Brianna looked confused and hurt, as she stopped pacing and sat down.

Joe, Margaret, and Brianna all found themselves in situations involving micro-aggressions. Originally a term created by the psychiatrist Chester M. Pierce, MD in the 1970s. Psychologist Derald Wing Sue, PhD is known for studying this phenomenon in a variety of contexts. Sue defines micro-aggressions as “the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.”

Sarah was being derogatory towards certain types of restaurants, Margaret was being insulting about John’s socioeconomic status, and Brianna put Calli in a situation where she felt slighted by her size. The feeling that something “is off,” or that someone is being “too sensitive” or “reading too much into a situation” can be signs of a micro-aggression (often subconscious). It can be challenging to confront and talk about micro-aggressions in ourselves and others, but it’s important to have these difficult conversations to create safety for all types of people and businesses in our communities.

I’dlovetohearaboutyourexperiencesat amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.