“A rose by any other name will smell as sweet.” ~William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

As a youngster, I always felt sorry for boys named Richard. No matter what they preferred to be called, or how often they corrected people, it was just too easy for other kids to shout out “Hey Dick” from across the school yard, knowing they would get a laugh.

As I grew older and started paying more attention to last names, comical surnames such as Cockburn, Weiner, Kuntz, and Hooker, made me wonder why these unlucky people didn’t just change their names. It made me grateful to have a somewhat boring first and last name. The year that I was born, Karen was the most popular girl’s baby name and there were always many Karens in my world. At one point in middle school, I longed to be called something much more exciting and remember thinking how cool it would be to be named “Yolanda.”

Of course, things are much different in the 2020s. Not too many parents-tobe are choosing to call their daughters Karen. And from what I understand, women named Karen are getting a lot less swipes on dating apps.

Karen is used today as a pejorative catch-all label to define a class of people in American society. Karen represents the “basic white person” name (probably because it was so popular, especially for baby boomers) and social media fueled its use.

According to a popular urban dictionary, the name Karen when used as an insult means the following:

Usually a white woman, between the ages of 18 and death, who is more concerned about her own safety rather than the freedom of everyone else. She will take on authoritarian and tyrannical tendencies if the government tells her that people’s freedoms will cause her to be “unsafe.” She will also use appeals to emotion, rather than factual evidence when discussing political or socioeconomic issues.

There is also another word in the urban dictionary that is new to me, Karenitis. It is defined as follows:

A disease that causes middle aged, entitled women to behave like animals when they don’t get their way. If met with resistance from people, the Karenitis will start to develop. Symptoms include dramatic outburst, arguing with strangers about random things that don’t concern them, and asking to speak to one’s manager. May also include threats of suing or calling the police. A lifelong virus that can only be cured by public exposure and losing her job.

Apart from being a white woman between the ages of 18 and death, the two definitions don’t resonate with how I see myself. While I face personality challenges like everyone else on the planet, I am not prone to dramatic outburst or arguing with strangers or asking to “speak to a manager.” Have I ever done those things? Like almost all humans, the answer is yes, only for me this happens rarely and less and less as I’ve grown older.

I’m managing to remain detached from the derogatory connotations of my name so as not to get drawn into the negativity or feel sorry for myself, which is never productive. It’s also a very minor annoyance and gives me a tiny taste of how it feels to be lumped into a stereotype based on something you had no control over. Imagine what a disconnect it must be for a woman named Karen who is African American, Asian American, Native American, or Hispanic. Consider women of color like Karen West who recently suffered the death of her son, Amir Locke, who was awoken from his sleep during a no-knock drug raid in Minneapolis. Disoriented and barely awake, and clearly in possession of a gun, he was shot and killed. His mother certainly doesn’t represent Karen as defined in the urban dictionary.

So how can someone named Karen, like me, turn this around and find something positive from being lumped into a class of people representing bad behavior?

For me, it’s a reminder that as a white, straight, able-bodied woman, I’ve experienced many benefits from privilege and entitlement. It’s also a reminder that we all struggle with a dark side to our personalities and by recognizing and embracing this part of who we are, we can learn to process negative emotions and thoughts in a healthier way prior to saying or doing anything that results in harm to others.

As Karenitis is defined, it represents a deep aggression based on a deep annoyance. It represents an inner disease generated by our shadow selves. It is a symptom of a need to control. It comes from deep anger. It comes from fear.

So how can we avoid catching this disease and spreading it further?

The simplest and most direct way is to monitor our inner thoughts and emotions closely before reacting. This takes dedication and practice. Our bodies will let us know that we are entering into a fearful state. We may feel our heart rate increasing or a growing discomfort in our gut. Our cheeks may redden and become flushed. Pay attention to how your body reacts when you are facing triggers to your emotional and mental state. This can lead to a better understanding of how we show up every day on the planet and what leads us to react in unkind and hurtful ways.

When you feel your heart rate increasing or you have a discomfort in your gut, take a few deep breaths and refrain from speaking or acting. Continue focusing on your breath and your body will relax and release the tension and anxiety. If you continue to focus on your own emotional and mental state, prior to reacting, you will learn to control your thoughts and actions, which are truly the only things you can control.

In addition, educating ourselves about white privilege and entitlement as well as the history of racism in America can lead us on a path of greater awareness and understanding towards people of color. Growing Up White by Julie Landsman is a great place to start.

While it’s a bummer to have my name used as a negative stereotype, I choose not to dwell in that space and when triggered by the use of my name in this manner, I shift my focus to my breath and tap into my own place of knowing as I remember who I am.