I am mostly guessing at how to grow children.

I apologize for the horrors of the world.

I point at the moon.

I talk about love.

I serve toast.

-Lori Hetteen, poet and artist

Raising children during dystopian times can leave parents feeling overwhelmed. But “every time I attend the Mountain Strong Families parenting sessions, I take home something concrete to immediately use with my children,” exclaimed one enthusiastic mama.

Mountain Strong Families, an initiative by TEENS, Inc, offers monthly parenting sessions at Nederland Elementary School. These monthly offerings include a homemade meal and free childcare while parents gather to discuss a new topic and learn strategies for raising whole human beings.

We live in an unpredictable, fast-changing, sometimes scary world. As parents, we can’t shield our children from every natural disaster or social problem. But we can consciously design our home as “a sanctuary of safety and connection so children and youth can feel their way into a space of felt safety,” says neuroscientist Dr. Lori Desautels. Thereby, we empower our children to tackle the challenges of the world by helping them feel safe and secure within themselves. “The truth is, our kids don’t need to know what to expect from the future. Actually, they don’t even need to trust it…Not if they trust themselves to cope with it” (Jo Stockdale).

Mr. Rogers reminds us that “children feel far more comfortable and secure when things happen predictably - with routines, rituals, and traditions. Those traditions, big or small, create anchors of stability, especially in rough seas.”

Mountain Strong Families discussed effective ways of establishing a few family rules that express our core values. Chrissy shared her family’s all-inclusive rules that guide behavior - be kind to oneself, to others, and to things. Co-creating these rules with children produces buy-in and understanding of the important values that underlie them. Beyond establishing family rules, we can intentionally create rituals and traditions.

Mia offered their family tradition of ending each day sitting in a circle, reflecting on what went well, saying what each person is grateful for, and then snuggling up with a story book before heading to bed. Family rituals connect children to themselves, to their loved ones, and to a higher spirit. They calm a child during turbulent times as they move us from one place to another; from one season to another. Many of our favorite childhood memories are derived from the predictable rituals that gave meaning to life. Remember how the nightly 8 p.m. tradition of howling at the moon to honor health care workers during the pandemic created a tiny moment of security and solidarity with nearby neighbors?

The first few minutes when a child wakes up, when they arrive home from school, and the moments before bedtime have a huge impact on children’s sense of safety and security. Having routines and rituals in place at those key moments eases the uncertainty of the transition.

Research indicates that one of the best rituals for creating resilient children is to have regular family dinners together with the screens turned off. Weaving gratitude rituals into each day also helps children focus on what is good in their world. The practice of thinking about our blessings lowers the fear level in our brain.

Most families agree that the hour before heading to school each weekday is the most difficult part of the week. Creating a morning routine can eliminate much of the chaos and fighting. Verbally repeating what children are supposed to do is usually ineffective. Children don’t have the same sense of urgency or the same priorities as adults. Their ability to manage their time and organize tasks is underdeveloped. A visual routine chart can change the morning dynamic. Parents created routine charts that divide the steps in preparing for school. Amy and Eric were eager to see how this tool might change how they experience getting everyone out the door on time.

Children are most likely to feel safe when parents offer a combination of warmth and limits. Ideally, caregivers offer empathy right alongside boundaries. Children feel safe when caregivers acknowledge and validate their emotions and needs while also providing guard rails on their behaviors. Mountain Strong Families explored numerous ways to set limits while still being empathetic to the child’s feelings and needs.

Parents were encouraged to: Acknowledge a child’s desire even when you aren’t going to fulfill it. Infuse playfulness into the enforcement of a limit. Give transition time to comply with the limit, or offer an alternative way for them to get their needs met. A positive redirect tells them what activity they can do, instead of just telling them what they can’t do. We can offer them at least two acceptable choices because the more autonomy a child is given, the more easily they will be able to give up control when necessary. And finally, we can validate resistance to rules. No one likes to be told what to do. We can acknowledge that two things are true, “iPad time is over and you feel upset about it. Ending screen time is hard for me too.”

This nurturing approach to parenting allows a child to feel there is a predictable, supportive flow to life. Their feelings and needs are important, but so are the feelings and needs of others. When there are storms in the outside world, they can still feel safe.

“I’m so glad I’m taking this course for the second time. We’ve already tried some of these ideas and now we’re adding more layers,” said Laurie.

The next Mountain Strong Families session is Tuesday, May 2. Contact ann@teensinc.org for more information. Ann Sherman is the host of the Mountain Strong Families parenting series.