Jacqueline Hart Gibson, Gilpin County. It takes a big-hearted man to step up and be a father to a child whose father has left the picture entirely. But when the biological father is still in the child’s life, there are no empty shoes to fill. Is behaving like a father overstepping boundaries? What exactly is a bonus dad’s role? My husband Mitch is a bonus dad. Although his role is less defined, our family gets to have the opportunity to create this relationship how we want to, and in a way that works naturally. Having no map, no expectations, can be liberating.  

Mitch went from no children, to the bonus dad of four children, Bethanni, Dylan, Orion and Ava, at 42 years old. He is also a bonus grandpa of three, Liam, Ariah and newborn Scarlett. The only experience Mitch had parenting was about twenty years ago, when he and I lived together for about four years. At that time Bethanni and Dylan were the only children in the house, and Mitch, in his twenties and unsure of what he wanted to do with his career life, spent a lot of time at home with them.

Bethanni, who is now 30 years old, remembers a time when she was about seven and Mitch was driving her down from the mountains. She noticed how pretty city lights were for the first time. Mitch pulled over so she could enjoy the view. “I could tell he was so happy because he got to share that “first” with me.”  Another time, when he was watching her, she woke up at night with stomach pain. “I didn’t want him to have to wake up and drive me to the hospital. I wanted to be nice to him so I called 911. I thought they would just come and drive me to the hospital and he could sleep.” Instead Bethanni was grilled and terrified by police. “I felt so bad for him, because I was trying to do something nice for all he did for me, and instead I got him in trouble. But he wasn’t mad at me.” 

Bethanni recalls our wedding last August, as the time that she was happiest to have him back in the family’s life. “When I heard the song he chose for our father daughter dance I cried. He chose I Loved Her First. Mitch explains although he was not her official step-father until Bethanni was an adult, he has felt like a father to her since she was little. “Every time I heard that song I thought of her, even before I moved home.” Mitch says. 

Dylan was younger and remembers very little from the last time we were a family. He says, “I’m proud he’s my step-dad when he sings karaoke. I’m like, yeah, that’s my stepdad rocking the mike up there.” Dylan also says he appreciates Mitch teaching him to shoot and, “He makes great drinks!” Dylan jokes. “Seriously though I’m glad for the step-dad he is to Ava and Orion.” Dylan has watched his younger siblings with Mitch and says, “I appreciate the way he balances being a disciplinarian and a friend. He’s a steady presence in their life. He’s loving and he never gets angry.” 

Orion and Ava did not know Mitch when he came back into our lives. They say it was weird getting used to the idea of their siblings knowing him when they didn’t, but it also made it easier to trust him. Orion warmed up to Mitch a little faster than Ava did. He says, “When he was trying to get to know us it always felt like he was really interested, not just being the guy who’s with your mom and puts up with you.” 

Ava remembers how she added to his proposal. Mitch proposed in Golden Gate Canyon State Park, with kids and leashed dogs all present. Ava accidently let go of Doug the Pug’s leash, and he bolted. When he wasn’t immediately found Ava started to cry, distracting everyone from the proposal to find the dog. She laughs about this today, because Doug was found soon after. 

She admits she didn’t make integrating himself into the family as easy for Mitch, as her siblings did. She made him work hardest for it. But as he proved himself, she began to let up. 

Both kids say they appreciate how Mitch tries to understand them. He asks them questions when he doesn’t understand and listens when they explain the Generation Z life and experience. Because Mitch works so much, they got a crash course in family life with Mitch during the Covid-19 shutdown. Orion said, “It was a growth experience; seeing how we function as a family being together around the clock. It was good. It wasn’t all easy, but it was a good bonding experience.” 

During the Covid shutdown Ava reported to the family that she is bi-sexual. Orion told the family he is gay three years ago, a few months after Mitch moved in. Orion laughs remembering how Mitch first tried to show he was supportive. “He thought being trans and being gay were similar!” Although Mitch fumbled a bit at first, Orion appreciates that he kept trying. Ava said although Mitch stayed in the background when she first made her announcement, he approached her later to talk to her and check in with her, which made her feel good. 

Mitch says being a bonus dad is the hardest experience and best experience in his life. “The weird thing about it is you never have it down. At work I can learn something and I have it down. But with parenting it’s constantly changing, the kids are constantly changing, and I can never be an expert at parenting. I’m always trying to keep up. It’s exciting though. There’s no winging it or half measures.” He says planned good parent moments never work out. The surprise good days are the best, like “random Tuesday game nights and suddenly I notice Ava is having a blast or when Orion decides to make dinner out of the blue and he’s super proud of the meal he made.”  

All four kids reported some version of really liking having Mitch in our family because, “He makes you happy, and you are happy together.” Bethanni says, “He always seemed like the one that got away for you, the one you compared everyone else to. I’m glad you found each other again.”

(Originally published in the June 18, 2020, print edition of The Mountain-Ear.)