“I just want to make sure I’m doing everything right,” Rex explained. Rex had just moved to the area, and was coming in to talk about some life changes.

“Doing it right?” I asked. “What do you mean?”

“I kind of left my last place in a hurry,” Rex commented, looking at the floor.

It turned out Rex had left a long-term relationship, two young daughters, a job at a small family business, and a community that supported him.

In his thirties, Rex turned his life around. After floating from town to town, picking up odd jobs where he could and living off peoples’ generosity, a mechanic took a chance on him and began to teach him the trade. He’d spent the next six years learning the business, building his life, growing a family, and putting down roots.

“I didn’t come from a bad family. Single mom, dad skipped out on us when we were younger. When I was in high school I started partying. Nothing major, just on the weekends. I wasn’t going to do the college thing, so I graduated and got a job right out of high school,” Rex looked out the window at the creek flowing by, lost in thought.

“My friends stopped partying. They were getting married, but I was still looking for my next high. I skipped town, looking forward to another group of friends, and then ‘rinse and repeat.’ I’ve been evicted, fired, arrested, beaten up, and everything else in-between. I’m not proud of myself, but I did survive.”

As Rex focused back into the counseling room, I commented, “You’ve survived so much. More than most people in a lifetime.”

“But why did you leave? I questioned him. “Did she not know about your past? What you’ve going through?”

“Oh she knew,” Rex said. “Everyone knew my story. Maybe not all the details, but broad strokes.”

“And she loved you? Even after she knew everything?” I quietly asked.

“Oh yes. She loved me more than anyone has ever loved me in my whole life. I never knew someone could love like that. But I don’t deserve it.” Tears started sliding down Rex’s face.

“Why don’t you deserve her love?” I wondered out loud.

“Here’s the thing. Really, deep down inside, I’m a terrible person. No matter how much good I do, I can’t make up for all those people I hurt. She deserves so much better than me. My girls do too.”

Guilt tells us we did something wrong, while shame says we are not worthy because of that.

Rex’s past full of painful and harmful decisions created a life where he began to believe that he was a bad, broken person.

Then over the past six years he started making healthier decisions that supported himself, his family, his community, and his self-esteem rose.

But then he started to doubt—himself, his choices, the healthy life he’d built. When we’re used to a hard, painful life, it can be disorienting and confusing to live a positive, healthy life.

“I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop,” Rex explained. “And I know it will. Because it always does.”

Marianne Williamson writes, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

I find that when we are working to clear the final vestiges of the pain and trauma we’ve survived and sustain the deep and positive changes we’ve made in our lives, a period of intense self-doubt and questioning can arise. And for some, that’s the moment when they return to their old patterns (for Rex, it’s cut and run).

But if in that moment you can recognize what’s happening and reach out to one other person to ask for help, then together you can clear out the darkness and stand even more solidly in the light.

Rex called his partner and, with gulping sobs, talked to her about what had happened. She and the girls were on the first bus to Colorado and he was there to meet them.

It turned out, although he was terrified that he would ruin his healthy, happy life, in fact he was ready to let go of his “terrible” past. We found him a local referral in his hometown, and he started working on clearing out the last of his shame.

Recently, he and his family stopped in to say hi while on a vacation to Colorado, celebrating one of his daughter’s birthdays.

Change and growth can be difficult and painful. And just when you think you’re almost done, old habits, thoughts and feelings can rise to the surface. It can be easy to believe that in fact nothing has changed and you really are the worst version of yourself.

But that’s the time to reach out because someone outside of yourself can see what you cannot in that moment; you are the light-filled human you were always meant to be, and it’s time to believe and embrace it.

I’d love to hear about your experiences with finding your own light at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.